So Dan's head can stop hurting...

Three actual verbal exchanges I had with another person (read: idiot) today:

1) Starbucks, 8am:

Me: "I really don't want to be at work right now."

Idiot coworker: "That's because you're a woman."

Me: "....... !!!!!! Excuse me??!!! Please tell me you did not just say that."

Idiot coworker: "It's true. It's scientific fact. Men like being at work more and women just want to stay at home."

Me: "First of all, I seriously doubt that you are THRILLED to be here right now. Second of all, I would love to be working somewhere that means something to me, not a place like this. And third of all, 'scientific fact'? That's hilarious, dude."

Idiot coworker: "Ok, take [seriously folks] that show 'Desperate Housewives' for example. Eva Longoria's husband is off at work all day while she stays at home and goes shopping. And that other woman with the blonde hair. She stays at home with her kids while the husband is off earning all the money."

Me (scanning area for nearest sharp utensil): "'Desperate Housewives,' huh? (sarcastically) That's just like real life, right?"

Idiot coworker: (not sarcastically) "Yeah."

Me: "Oh please. Like you can actually tell me that if you were rich enough that you didn't have to work somewhere you didn't want to, that you would still go?"

Idiot coworker: "Well, no. Obviously."

Me: "SoI guess it's not just a woman thing then, is it??"

Idiot coworker: "...Yeah, it is."

Me: "Oh my god. (turning to a few customers who have witnessed the last few seconds of this exchange) He may not live past this day."

****

2) Starbucks, 8:30am:

Me: "Do you seriously think that women who stay at home to take care of her family have it easy? 'Cause that's really sad for you."

Idiot coworker: "Are you kidding? Yeah, just let me kick back and do some laundry, wash the dishes, cook breakfast...."

Me: "I'm going to kick your balls here pretty soon. I'm not kidding."

****

Starbucks, 9am:

I had just accidentally short-changed a customer because I thought he gave me a $1 instead of a $5 bill. While I was giving the customer the correct change:

Idiot coworker: (trying to be funny) "Yes, that's our Oriental pick-pocket right there."

Me: (getting about 3 inches from his face) "It's not the fact that you called me a pick-pocket... It's that you used the word "Oriental" that was inappropriate."

Idiot coworker: "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant 'Asian' pick-pocket."

Me: (giving him an evil look) "You probably shouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day."

Idiot coworker: "Aww, come on..." (trying to nudge me on the shoulder)

Me: "Seriously. Do you want me to kill you? Because I will."

****

Home, 6pm:

Me: (on the phone with Papa John's Pizza) "Hi, I'd like to order a pizza for delivery. Can you tell me how much a medium with--"

Idiot pizza guy: "Um, we don't have medium, ma'am. We just have small, large, and extra large."

Me: "...Okay then, I guess I'll have a large. Can you tell me how much that would be with maybe two toppings?"

Idiot pizza guy: "Well, we have a special deal right now. You can get our Perfect Pan Pizza with five toppings for $12.99."

Me: "I guess I can do that. I'll have chicken, mushrooms, green peppers, onions and black olives."

Idiot pizza guy: "Ok, anything else?"

Me: "Yeah, I was wondering how much extra it would cost to have your white alfredo sauce on there instead of the marinara?"

Idiot pizza guy: "Umm, hold on... (two minutes later) Uh, we're actually not allowed to do that."

Me: "Really? Okay. Then I guess I'll have to change my order completely then. Is that okay?"

Idiot pizza guy: (*big emphatic sigh*) "...Ugh, I guess."

Me: (in my head) "Oh my god, I'm going to kill you. I really hope this wasn't too much of an inconvenience for you, especially considering I just placed my original order about 30 seconds ago which doubtfully gave you enough time to make the pizza between then and now. So why don't you just go ahead and press 'cancel' or 'void' on your computer screen and we can move on before I jump into this phone and kick the living crap out of you."

****

The end. I'm doing nothing for the rest of the evening but avoid all of humanity and watch TV on the couch until blissful sleep comes to put me out of the day's horribly, horribly entertaining misery.