Let's Think About Something Else Rather Than Having To Make Major Life Decisions, Shall We? Post #1

I would like the universe to know that, thanks to the hippie-dippy influence of Greatest Print Assistant Ever, I had a 12 oz. glass of straight carrot juice and a wheat grass shot the other day. And while I thoroughly enjoyed both (no lie), I was in complete terror of the havoc all that nature-y fibrousness would wreak on my intestinal system. An intestinal system that has been trained for the past twenty-eight (Oh my God, twenty-eight...) years to welcome a consistent diet of double bacon cheeseburgers and curly fries with open arms. 

But I am happy to report that no such extraordinary BM-related events occured as a result. Which is troubling in itself, now that I think about it. My bowels will never cease to surprise me. 

***

Ugh, I can't help it...

Schmoobliebuns comes home (finally finally finally) in less than one week. At this point we will (finally finally finally) be able to sit down face to face and talk about what we are going to do about this whole Texas: To Go or Not To Go? debacle. In short, we do not want to break up. But I still equally think that for me to go and move with him to a place that I do not - with every fiber of my being - want to live* would be both a bad decision and, in the long run, end up being detrimental to our relationship. Because we all know that if I continue on this path, I will wake up tomorrow and be in my mid-thirties, having not gone back to post-graduate school and having not re-claimed the part of myself that was once a very independent and goal-oriented young lady, and who has had nothing on her resume for the last several years except for "Band Director's Cute and Devoted Significant Other" and I frankly am just not ready for that to happen. And I really believe that that is not something that Schmoobliebuns would want to happen either. So the fact of the matter is that Schmoobs and I will have to find a way to keep the both of us happy and still remain together, whether we are temporarily living in different corners of the world or not. And that's that. 

In the meantime, I am going to hang out on the balcony and pet Bela every three seconds lest he make a flying leap for my toes and enjoy the Seattle summer while sipping my Star*ucks Triple Grande Iced Soy 2-pump No-Whip Mocha.

* This place has 91% white people and 1.3% my people. Discuss.

You can call me Debbie Downer for now...

I was doing pretty well the first few days. But now I am officially an emotional wreck. I have no idea what to do.

I just want to talk about fart and poop stories again.

Hellllp.

Scott called me this morning to tell me that he was just offered the job at the school in Texas. He will be accepting the position (He has to, right?).

Things I know:

1. He will be there a minimum of one year. Possibly more.

2. There are going to be a ridiculous amount of opportunities for me to set up a teaching studio, as well as get playing gigs. This means, of course, that I would be able to make a living just teaching and playing clarinet, which, duh, is what I've been wanting to do since forever.

2a. But in Texas?? Blech.

2b. Everyone he spoke to there said that I would pretty much have a say in how big a teaching studio I have. If I want 20 students, I'll have 20 instantly. If I want 50, I can probably have 50.

2c. There is a new professional wind symphony in the area that Scott would have connections to, meaning I could probably get in fairly easily.

3. Scott and I are not married and I feel increasingly silly following him around the country time and again. But maybe I am over analyzing everything? Ugh.

3a. We have been together for nearly four years and it is not an easy decision either way.

3b. I am not sure I can do a long-distance thing.

4. I plan on going back to graduate school in the next couple of years. Scott knows this.

5. I have never in my entire life ever thought that I would ever live in Texas. Blech.


Things I do not know:

1. How long this job in Texas will end up lasting.

2. Exactly how much I do not belong on Texas. But I am certain that it is a significant amount.

3. Everything else.


Help. Me.

In which Bela had better restrain himself from feasting on my toes.orIn which Schmoobs gave up his testicles for 2 1/2 hours on Friday night.

So Schmoobliebuns left at 5 am to join his fellow Nerds Drum Corps compatriots out in the blistering heat of summer in the South and Midwest. But this stretch is only 3 weeks long, rather than the usual 2 months, which is great because:

a. I am a blubbering fool and can not help but throw hissy fits of Biblical proportions when facing the prospect of being without Schmoobs for the entire summer.

b. knowing Bela's penchant for snacking on my toes mercilessly when he has been deserted by Schmoobins for any extended period of time, an absence of 3 weeks instead of 2 months may result in me having at least 7 of my 10 original toes by the end of summer.

But in the meantime, I will be placating my loneliness by eating an excess of fried jalapeno poppers and cheeseburgers, so any and all of you should hop on a plane or go on an impromptu roadtrip at some point in the next few weeks and come visit me. Trust me, I would love to, myself, hop on a plane and visit all of you, but seeing as how upwards of 3 managers have been fired from my workplace in the last 2 months, I don't think now is a good time to be taking extended vacations. Harumph. 

***

Also: a couple-friend of ours - Eric and Jessica - went out this past Friday night for a double-date of sorts. The plan was to have dinner and see the new M. Night Shyamalamadingdong movie The Happening. However, upon closer inspection of various online reviews, it seemed that perhaps there were better movies out there to spend $10 each on for a ticket. So we decided to grab dinner and then see whichever movie was starting next when we got to the theatre. 

Partway through dinner, however, Eric, Jessica and I decided that we wanted to see the Sex and the City movie. Eric, being married to Jessica for a few years now, has been sufficiently trained to concede to his lovely wife's wishes every now and then without too much protest. Also, he is a casual fan of the show and was not opposed to seeing the movie anyway. Schmooblebuns, however, was a different story. For the entire span of dinner, he protested with every testosterone-filled fiber of his being, not giving in to any of our pleadings or reasonings.

As luck would have it, we got to the theatre and found that SATC was starting in 10 minutes and everything else that we would have wanted to see required a wait of at least 45 minutes. Despite this, Schmoobs continued to purse his lips, cross his arms and voice his protest for a few minutes. Until, that is, I threw in the one thing that I knew would silence his protests forever.

"But you're leaving and you're not going to see me for threeeeee whooooole weeeeeeks. Pleeeeaaase!"

And that was that.

To be sure, he went in begrudgingly, muttering under his breath how he and Eric were going to be the only males in the theatre (They were, of course, SO not. As if they were the only guys that would be dragged to go see SATC by their women on a Friday night. Please.) and refused to even crack a smile for 30 minutes. Even after Eric tried to psych him up by looking over at Schmoobs while throwing some manly fist pumps into the air at the start of the theme song. 

But rest assured, that we did, in fact, catch him smiling and, yes, even laughing at some parts of the movie. These parts involved jokes about pubes and one of the key characters crapping in her pants, but that's okay. It's a start.

Ysabel Jones and the Case of the Forbidden BathroomandYsabel Potter and the Tale of the Raving Bitch Who Cannot Properly Parent Her Own Child

Episode I: Ysabel Jones and the Case of the Forbidden Bathroom

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away there was a building in which our lovely and public-bathroom-fearing heroine Ysabel worked. This building contained three restrooms. The first one was downstairs and was open to the general public. This bathroom utilized bad neon lighting and too oftencarried the threat of the stench of public defecation. The second bathroom was upstairs and also open to the general public, mainly the in-house music teachers and their endless variety and number of music students. This bathroom contained two stalls - one of which was always Out of Order at any given time. This bathroom was always cold and unwelcoming, due to the large window that was kept open in order to avoid the possibility of it smelling like public defecation. Also, the sink contained a faulty nozzle that tended to spray icy cold water at you in a highly aggressive manner.

Ah, but then there was the third bathroom. The third bathroom was located upstairs in the company accounting office. This fantastical bathroom was not open to the public. It utilized a pleasant, slightly dimmed lighting scheme, had Kleenex, hand soap and hand lotion on the counter, and very rarely smelled unpleasant. In addition, this bathroom was located directly next to the coffee machine and microwave, so as to almost welcome a quick visit to the loo should one happen to go upstairs for a fresh cup of coffee, or to heat up their cold latte from earlier in the morning.

But alas!

This aforementioned accounting office was staffed by a whopping total of four accounting ladies - one of which posted a sign on the door of this glorious third bathroom stating that this room was for the use of the accounting staff and the accounting staff only. Now, Ysabel, in all her wisdom, thought to herself, "This is silly. Surely they wouldn't mind sweet little ol' me using their precious Forbidden Bathroom on the odd occasion." So for the duration of the 20 months that she worked in this building, Ysabel used the Forbidden Bathroom to her heart's delight.

And then.

This morning, after popping her cooled-down latte in the microwave and waiting for the 60 seconds to wind down, she went in to the magical Forbidden Bathroom to urinate, wash her hands and fix her ponytail. As she opened the door and stepped out, she was met by one member of the accounting staff - we shall call her Crazy Too Much Bright Red Lipstick and Spiked Bleached Hair Cat Lady - met her at the door who passive-aggressively said, "Oh, did you notice the sign on the door? ...Someone had said something."

And then Ysabel stared at Crazy Too Much Bright Red Lipstick and Spiked Bleached Hair Cat Lady for two seconds, blinked slowly, then simultaneously shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes in a dramatic fashion, as if to imply both, "Oh, someone said something, eh? Might it be you? Perhaps you should confront me directly." and "Oh, someone said something, eh? That's so silly isn't it? People can be so petty, can't they? It's a f*ing company bathroom, for crying out loud. I work for this company and I'm going to goddamn use whichever f*ing bathroom I damn well please, got it?!"

As the tale winds down, our bemused heroine has not decided which course of action to take. Shall she continue using the enticingly Forbidden Bathroom and wait in eager anticipation for one of the four passive aggressive accounting ladies to confront her directly? Or shall she go upstairs for a cup of coffee tomorrow morning, and, in a fit of rage, slam her coffee mug on the counter and exclaim, "Alright, which one of you bitches has a problem with me using this goddamn bathroom?! You wanna take it outside??!!"

Only time will tell.....

***

Episode II: Ysabel Potter and the Tale of the Raving Bitch Who Cannot Properly Parent Her Own Child

In the form of a gChat


me: omg. just had a really annoying altercation with some lady at work

Sarah: about?

me: oy.

so, my work desk is kind of near the sales floor here, where we've got some timpani on display. obviously, people who don't know any better are going to want to play them, so we made signs that say "please ask for assistance before playing" in order to avoid that kind of thing...

Sarah: makes sense

me: so i'm sitting here trying to work and i hear some really loud obnoxious banging on the timpani. i let it go for maybe 20 seconds to see if they'll stop on their own, but it keeps going...

so i walk around the corner and see a little boy, maybe 4 or 5 years old, standing there banging on one of the drums with his fists. so i walk up to him and when i get near, i say REALLY nicely, "hey, would you mind not playing those..." and he immediately stops and walks away
mind you, his mother is standing about 3 feet away from him not doing anything.

and then as i turn around to go back to my desk, the mom says really bitchily, "um, we DID ask someone if it was okay. JUST so you know."

so i smiled and i said, "oh ok. it's just that he shouldn't really be banging on them that hard." and i turn away again.

Sarah: who would allow a 5-year-old to bang on timpani?

me: then i hear her say to somebody, "WHAT did she just say?" so i turned back to her and said, "i said, he really shouldn't bang on the instruments that hard. that instrument is worth thousands of dollars..." and she goes, "ugh."

BITCH

Sarah: man

sorry

me: i know! she was like way offended that she thought i was trying to parent her child or something! but i was like, "well, if you're not going to tell you're kid that that's not appropriate, then i guess i have to..."

Sarah: parents are so touchy
their children are special snowflakes and you are not allowed to faulty them on ANYTHING

me: totally. whatever. almost time to go home!

oh AND one of the ladies who works in the accounting office upstairs kind of got on my case for using the bathroom that's attached to the accounting ofice, which, i guess, is supposed to be ONLY for their use.

there are literally 4 women up there. and that's the only f*ing bathroom in here that's not also for public use. i'm sorry, but when the 2 other bathrooms smell like public poo, i'm GOING to use your precious forbidden bathroom.

Sarah: ewwwwww.

why not put in a request to a higher up so that female employees can use that restroom?

me: this has been the most annoying day ever.

A potential dillemma: UPDATE

Here are Schmooblebuns' three potential job prospect locations:

1. Commerce, TX

2. Clarksville, TN

3. Salt Lake City, UT


There are certain other factors involved, such as whether these jobs are one-year interim positions or if they are indefinite appointments. I guess I'll update you all with more as the information becomes more forthcoming.

Continue discussion.

Crikey!

Remember this guy?

He's back aaaugh! Am hiding behind the safe confines of my giant decade-old computer monitor until it is safe again...

A potential dillemma.

Schmoobles has a job interview in Texas this Wednesday.

I do not want to live in Texas.

Discuss.

Ew.

Dear Blog,

Today the Schmoobins and I were having a nice leisurely late breakfast (ok ok...it was 2pm) out at a nearby diner. As I sipped my cup o' joe and waited for our food to arrive, I looked out the large window next to which we were seated and saw that one of the cook- or wait-staff (Oh, dear God, please it be the wait-staff) had taken a seat on the sidewalk outside to take a smoke break.

And then I noticed that he began to pick his nose.

AND THEN HE ATE IT.

And then I vomited inside my mouth.

And then I began to stack up the table-top dessert menu and drink specials menu against the window pane so as to block my view of aforementioned booger-picker-eater.

The end.

Hello.

It's Friday morning and I'm at work. There was an 8am meeting and I found myself about 2 blocks away from the offices at 7:59 and every single drive-by espresso stand that I passed had a line of cars. Hence, I had to walk into the meeting empty handed and settle for vile office-brewed generic-coffee product. Bleargh. More later.