Episode I: Ysabel Jones and the Case of the Forbidden Bathroom
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away there was a building in which our lovely and public-bathroom-fearing heroine Ysabel worked. This building contained three restrooms. The first one was downstairs and was open to the general public. This bathroom utilized bad neon lighting and too oftencarried the threat of the stench of public defecation. The second bathroom was upstairs and also open to the general public, mainly the in-house music teachers and their endless variety and number of music students. This bathroom contained two stalls - one of which was always Out of Order at any given time. This bathroom was always cold and unwelcoming, due to the large window that was kept open in order to avoid the possibility of it smelling like public defecation. Also, the sink contained a faulty nozzle that tended to spray icy cold water at you in a highly aggressive manner.
Ah, but then there was the third bathroom. The third bathroom was located upstairs in the company accounting office. This fantastical bathroom was not open to the public. It utilized a pleasant, slightly dimmed lighting scheme, had Kleenex, hand soap and hand lotion on the counter, and very rarely smelled unpleasant. In addition, this bathroom was located directly next to the coffee machine and microwave, so as to almost welcome a quick visit to the loo should one happen to go upstairs for a fresh cup of coffee, or to heat up their cold latte from earlier in the morning.
But alas!
This aforementioned accounting office was staffed by a whopping total of four accounting ladies - one of which posted a sign on the door of this glorious third bathroom stating that this room was for the use of the accounting staff and the accounting staff only. Now, Ysabel, in all her wisdom, thought to herself, "This is silly. Surely they wouldn't mind sweet little ol' me using their precious Forbidden Bathroom on the odd occasion." So for the duration of the 20 months that she worked in this building, Ysabel used the Forbidden Bathroom to her heart's delight.
And then.
This morning, after popping her cooled-down latte in the microwave and waiting for the 60 seconds to wind down, she went in to the magical Forbidden Bathroom to urinate, wash her hands and fix her ponytail. As she opened the door and stepped out, she was met by one member of the accounting staff - we shall call her Crazy Too Much Bright Red Lipstick and Spiked Bleached Hair Cat Lady - met her at the door who passive-aggressively said, "Oh, did you notice the sign on the door? ...Someone had said something."
And then Ysabel stared at Crazy Too Much Bright Red Lipstick and Spiked Bleached Hair Cat Lady for two seconds, blinked slowly, then simultaneously shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes in a dramatic fashion, as if to imply both, "Oh, someone said something, eh? Might it be you? Perhaps you should confront me directly." and "Oh, someone said something, eh? That's so silly isn't it? People can be so petty, can't they? It's a f*ing company bathroom, for crying out loud. I work for this company and I'm going to goddamn use whichever f*ing bathroom I damn well please, got it?!"
As the tale winds down, our bemused heroine has not decided which course of action to take. Shall she continue using the enticingly Forbidden Bathroom and wait in eager anticipation for one of the four passive aggressive accounting ladies to confront her directly? Or shall she go upstairs for a cup of coffee tomorrow morning, and, in a fit of rage, slam her coffee mug on the counter and exclaim, "Alright, which one of you bitches has a problem with me using this goddamn bathroom?! You wanna take it outside??!!"
Only time will tell.....
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Episode II: Ysabel Potter and the Tale of the Raving Bitch Who Cannot Properly Parent Her Own Child
In the form of a gChat
me: omg. just had a really annoying altercation with some lady at work
Sarah: about?
me: oy.
so, my work desk is kind of near the sales floor here, where we've got some timpani on display. obviously, people who don't know any better are going to want to play them, so we made signs that say "please ask for assistance before playing" in order to avoid that kind of thing...
Sarah: makes sense
me: so i'm sitting here trying to work and i hear some really loud obnoxious banging on the timpani. i let it go for maybe 20 seconds to see if they'll stop on their own, but it keeps going...
so i walk around the corner and see a little boy, maybe 4 or 5 years old, standing there banging on one of the drums with his fists. so i walk up to him and when i get near, i say REALLY nicely, "hey, would you mind not playing those..." and he immediately stops and walks away
mind you, his mother is standing about 3 feet away from him not doing anything.
and then as i turn around to go back to my desk, the mom says really bitchily, "um, we DID ask someone if it was okay. JUST so you know."
so i smiled and i said, "oh ok. it's just that he shouldn't really be banging on them that hard." and i turn away again.
Sarah: who would allow a 5-year-old to bang on timpani?
me: then i hear her say to somebody, "WHAT did she just say?" so i turned back to her and said, "i said, he really shouldn't bang on the instruments that hard. that instrument is worth thousands of dollars..." and she goes, "ugh."
BITCH
Sarah: man
sorry
me: i know! she was like way offended that she thought i was trying to parent her child or something! but i was like, "well, if you're not going to tell you're kid that that's not appropriate, then i guess i have to..."
Sarah: parents are so touchy
their children are special snowflakes and you are not allowed to faulty them on ANYTHING
me: totally. whatever. almost time to go home!
oh AND one of the ladies who works in the accounting office upstairs kind of got on my case for using the bathroom that's attached to the accounting ofice, which, i guess, is supposed to be ONLY for their use.
there are literally 4 women up there. and that's the only f*ing bathroom in here that's not also for public use. i'm sorry, but when the 2 other bathrooms smell like public poo, i'm GOING to use your precious forbidden bathroom.
Sarah: ewwwwww.
why not put in a request to a higher up so that female employees can use that restroom?
me: this has been the most annoying day ever.
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