If you want to know the truth*...

• ...I want to be Julie Klausner when I grow up.
• ...when I get emails from students on Saturdays, I purposely do not respond for at least 24 hours as a rule. They must not start thinking that I am available on the weekends. I mean, there are people I work with who make their cell phone numbers available to their students. What the hell?
• ...I am fully prepared to tear my clothes off and do drunken cartwheels through the neighborhood if when the Niners win tomorrow. If it weren't the first actual Monday of classes this semester, I would actually cancel my classes on Monday to accomodate the eventual celebrating of the inevitable Niner victory. 
• ...if I were a stronger person, I would eliminate gluten from my diet. But I am super weak for bread.
• ...I was fully prepared to go out today and get coffee and spend the day running errands and enjoying the day. Instead, I holed up inside working on class lecture material and Keynote presentations on the computer with the television on a steady stream of ID Channel murder shows. I guess I was actually more productive that way, but it still feels lame.
• ...tomorrow will officially mark my favorite time of the month, which is the third day of my Monthly Confirmation That I Am Indeed Without Child. The Backache of Doom goes away, my skin clears up, the bloatation goes away and so does, you know, the leaking out of my lady bits (sorry). Win win! (Which is exactly what the Niners will do tomorrow, by the way.)
• ...I have just changed the channel to the Food Network. Why is there so much Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on this channel all the time?! It should just be changed to the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives channel, for criminy's sake. And while we're at it, why is Guy Fieri such a douche? He's not just a douche, he's a DOOSH. Ugh. But he's from my hometown, so I have to like him just 1%.
• ...after going on four years at the university and two years in my office, I have finally decided to decorate the room a little bit. I'm sure it's some kind of direct response to this little bit of drama from last semester. So this is now on the wall behind my desk. Hahaha:

Students must bow down to the Beebla!

Oh, also: Last night, I was for some weird-ass reason (menstruation-related brain damage?), I was in the mood to chomp on something at midnight, so I decided to snack on some baby carrots instead of a handful of Dove chocolate bites. A few carrots in, I reached inside to pull another carrot out...and this neverending mutant baby carrot came out! Like, freaky. I stared at it in amazement for a few seconds, then took a picture so that I could post it on Facebook (of course) and put it back inside the bag because it made me really uncomfortable. And then as I posted the picture on Facebook, I had to edit my caption about it like three times because everything I wrote opened itself up too easily to a bunch of penis-related jokes from my wonderful friends. And since I decided that I would make the freaky carrot picture available to see by my students, I couldn't run the risk of any of them knowing that I am One That Is Prone To Make Dong Jokes With Friends. Not when I have to talk at them about symphonies and sacred chant and Russian nationalism and serialist composers three times a week this semester.

Freaky deaky, right?!

* sponsored by the glass of wine I am drinking with my tuna sandwich dinner.