Hey, did you know that making my blog private means I can now make fun of my students?

or:

Wheeeeeeeeeee!!

or:

Does calling some of my students "idiots" make me a bad person? (Answer: Yes.)

Whatevs. Here are some multiple choice test answers from four of my worst students in the freshman music major Intro to Music Literature class (i.e. This is what happens when you never show up for class and try to give me lame excuses, children.):

Keep in mind that these guys are all friends. And they are super annoying. Yeah, I said it. Oh, and this was a take-home test, for which I granted them use of their books and gave them five days to complete it.

Bubba: "Impressionism in music is best exemplified by the works of .....(b) MAHLER." Wrong.

Eric: "Impressionism in music is best exemplified by the works of .....(b) MAHLER." Wrong.

Michael: "Impressionism in music is best exemplified by the works of .....(b) MAHLER." Wrong.

Jon: "Impressionism in music is best exemplified by the works of .....(a) DEBUSSY." Ding ding ding!! 

You are correct, sir! ...Too bad you are a senior music major still taking a freshman class.

So, obviously, 3 out of these 4 morons chose to work together for this test. Which I don't discourage at all, during a take-home test. I mean, more power to you if you can work together and learn from each other. A word of advice, though: If you're going to share answers, please try to make sure that at least one of you is not a complete idiot.

*****

Those of you who have not been put through the rigors of formal music study may not quite grasp the complete idiocy of these answers, TRUST ME. These answers are the hallmark of idiocy. In a veritable rainbow of ways. Let me explain:

1) The two mere pages dedicated to Impressionism in your course textbook only talked about one composer. And his name was Debussy. Not Mahler. Debussy.

2) Speaking of your textbook, you were allowed to use it for this test. You were allowed to literally open up your textbook and get the answers directly from it. Your textbook was there to give you the correct answer for every single question on this test...

3) ..this test that was originally intended to be taken during a regular 90-minute class period. But instead you got FIVE DAYS to take it. You had five days to open up your textbook and find the correct answers for 80 questions. 80 MULTIPLE CHOICE questions. I do not know how much easier I could have made this test aside from taking it for you.

4) And remember when I stood up in front of the class like I do during every lecture and said - out loud - "There are really two main composers that are always associated with the Impressionist period. They are Debussy and Ravel." Remember that? And as I was saying this sentence, I went to the chalkboard and wrote 'IMPRESSIONISM' in big capital letters? And then I underlined it? And then underneath that I wrote 'Debussy' and 'Ravel'? Hmmm? Remember? 

5) And then later on during that same exact lecture, I played three different musical pieces for you: two by Debussy and one by Ravel? AND ZERO BY MAHLER?? Remember that??

6) And then remember how I never once mentioned the name 'Mahler' during this class period devoted to Impressionist music? And also how I didn't even write the name 'Mahler' on the board during this class period devoted to Impressionist music?

7) Oh wait. Perhaps you don't remember because you weren't in class that day. 

8) Was it because you "drove across the street to get coffee before class, but then the computer in your car broke and the engine wouldn't start anymore", so instead of leaving your car there for a couple of hours and walking for literally three minutes back across the street to go to class, you figured it would be better to just stay there and miss class? And then you thought that I would be okay with that excuse?

9) Or was it because you couldn't come to class that morning because you "fell out of bed and hit your neck on a table"? And then you showed up at school later that day limping and walking with a cane? You do realize that those two things don't make sense together, right? I mean, please tell me that, in the highly unlikely event that you actually did fall out of bed...and, um, hit your neck on a table...you understand that there is in no fathomable way that would logically result in you having to walk with a cane.

10) Oh, I know. It was because you missed a class because you were sick, but didn't email me at any point before, during or after your missed class to give any explanation. And then you came up to me the following class period a couple of days later, during which there was a written test scheduled - one that, as with all tests in this class, had been clearly marked on the schedule that was given to you at the beginning of the semester - and asked me if you could "get a few extra days to study for the test" since, instead of doing the required reading like a big boy, you had spent the last couple of days "just focusing on feeling better." Um...no.

11) Impressionism = Debussy. It just does. The end.

And don't even get me started on the time one of these morons skipped class on the day of their Midterm exam with no explanation or excuse, and then proceeded to send me this Facebook message TWO WEEKS LATER:

Hey
I was just talking with Bubba, and I realized I haven't taken the midterm!!!!! So, I'm kind of freaking out, cause Music Lit is a class I'm very comfortable with.
Help?

Um. Nope, no help. Sorry.

Oy. Youths.