Post-Christmas Notes.

1. Hey, want to know what's quite possibly The Worst Idea Ys Has Ever Come Up With in the Entire History of the Universe? Suggesting that she and a couple friends from college meet up in San Francisco. At Macy's in Union Square. On THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS. I mean, you can try and pull that off with your friends if you want. Just know that it will probably result in over an hour of endless illegal cellphone calls while driving, trying to figure out where exactly the other people are amidst the sea of Asian shoppers gathered in clumps of 100 apiece whose sole purpose is to cross the street and GET IN YOUR GODDAMN WAY WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS TURN RIGHT ONTO ELLIS OR MARKET SO YOU CAN EFFING FIND A BLASTED PARKING GARAGE THAT HAS SPACE IN IT.* Oh, and you will eventually give up on finding any available space in a nearby public parking garage and end up getting valet parking at a luxury hotel so that you can goddamn finally meet your friends for lunch. And your 90 minutes of parking will inevitably cost more than your entire meal. Wheee! Fun! But anyway, a visit to SF just isn't complete without a handful of death threats directed at various pedestrians and fellow drivers, so it was all good. 

2. I may have quite a difficult time getting BB to come with me back to Texas at the end of my vacation. She and my dad are serious BFFs4EVA. I'm pretty sure my dad spends half of his day  looking up information about Shih Tzus online. 

3. Speaking of Krazy Eyez Killa: you know what's totally awesome? The fact that my parents' house has brown carpeting that is the exact same shade as BB's turds. So that when she gets overly excited and doesn't *ahem* make it to her poo box in time, you can bet the I will be spending the next 10 minutes slowly scanning the entire living room and staircase because I can smell the poo, but cannot for the life of me see it anywhere. Tons of fun.

4. Oh, and can I tell you how amazing it was to finally expose Schmoobliebuns to the annual family Christmas party? Such a great time! And there is not one hint of sarcasm in there whatsoever, for realzies! He met the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. who all lurved him and partook in our traditional family gift exchange(s). He walked away with The World's Ugliest Christmas Mug ever. But it also came with giftcards to Outback Steakhouse and Home Depot, so it was all good. And I got 2 boxes of lady fingers cookies (don't ask) and a beautiful crisp $50 bill. Did you hear that, Chez Target? It has been too long, my love. I'll be seeing you soon...

* Regarding all these shoppers: WTF? I thought we were supposed to be in some kind of economic crisis. Why weren't you all at home huddling under layers of old newspaper to stay warm instead of shopping at Union Square and annoying the hell out of me? Geez.

Merry Christmas!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

OMG.   WTF.   LOL.

Am I turning into one of those people?

(The kind that dresses up their doggy in obnoxious adorable little sweaters and coats, doy. Especially awesome red and white festive hoodies found in the dollar section at Target. Score!)

In other news: Happy Christmas Eve!

In other other news: It looks like Schmooblebuns will be joining our annual extended family Christmas Party madness for the first time this year. Wish him luck! Haha.

Of course I'm starting to get sick on vacation.

If you find yourself awake at one o'clock in the morning, surfing the intarwebs and nursing a killer sore throat that is escalating exponentially in intensity with every passing second, to the point that the simple act of laughing is like a fiery serrated dagger through the esophagus, then you should probably NOT watch this video:

or this video:

or look at this picture:

In other news: my dad and BB are seriously BFFs now...

Greetings

I am interrupting my 20-hour sleep cycle (god I love vacations) to tell you all that I just typed this in a gChat with a friend of mine from Seattle: 

Yeah, normally BB is very playful, but she's scared sh*tless (or shih tless...haha!) of Xander.

In other news: my sister's house currently is housing, among other things, a 3-year old toddler, a 7-year old little girl, a 4-month old un-fixed shih tzu named BB, a 3-month old husky/lab mix named Xander who finds BB's nether regions quite appetizing, and a 20-something year old caffeine-addicted ornery clarinet teacher. Yeesh, back to sleep.

Dear Blahg.

Yesterday I went out in a pair of thin jeans, a t-shirt and sandals because it was in the high 60s. Today, counting windchill, it was SIXTEEN F*ING DEGREES. Blergh. Good thing I decided to go to work in dress sandals (no socks) and a light sweater-coat. At 6:30 in the morning. You know, because it was so nice yesterday and everything. BOO.

Also: What better time to find out that Kablooie's windshield wipers are pure sh*t than when you are driving home from work in the rain on a major interstate, with the temperature so arctic-like that the rain literally freezes upon landing on the glass, and the wipers do nothing but gently nudge the slush around but not off of the windshield. Whee! What fun! And by "fun" I mean "complete diarrhea-inducing terror."

Harumph.

Well hello there. I will have you know that unless your name is Dan, Kristina, Linda, Bela or BB and have a tiny little box on the left with your representative profile picture, then you no longer exist to me and I insist that you immediately evacuate the premises. Because I have no patience for people who cannot follow simple instructions. Especially if those instructions involve doing something that strokes my everloving ego. 

Just kidding just kidding just kidding. Come back!!! I totally need you to keep reading. It makes me feel good about myself. 

Now seriously. Go add yourself to my follower list. 

In other news: BB had a salon appointment (grooming at PETCO) today and came back looking like a completely different puppy! Mainly shorter, less maniacal knotted fur. If I could find my eff-ing camera battery charger, I would totally post a picture on here. But I can't. So I won't. The groomers reported that she had been an especially difficult little customer, to which I responded, "What the hell are you talking about? She's a lady. She would never act out. Never mind the fact that her nickname around the house is Krazy Eyez Killa." (True story...I mean about the nickname. Not about saying that stuff. Out loud.) Anyway. I think it's the combination of a vet visit yesterday for Round 2 of puppy shots followed 24 hours later by the grooming appointment that made her a little (or a lot) anxious. Good thing she has no idea she's going to be on a plane for 5 hours in just a few days... Baby Benadryl, you better do your magic!

On a related note: Wheeee! I go home in a few days!!

Also on a related note: Bela is taking full advantage of a worn-out and drained BB and has been sitting on the couch back directly behind me, just staring down at BB - who has been sleeping next to me - for the last 30 minutes. I can only assume that he is visualizing his plan of attack. 

In other other news: Last night I totally caved and had a big bowl of creamy potato and broccoli soup for dinner. It was delicious. And then today I woke up to find that my Hoo-Hah is broken again. Ugh. Coincidence? I think not. At least it was a good excuse to go to Target and get a gigantic bottle of cranberry juice. And maybe a couple cans of Smokehouse Almonds and some chocolate chip cookies... Whatever, they were on sale.

One other thing: It would appear that every other person on Facebook, when not talking about how it is snowing in their respective location or how sick they are, is posting their status as being "[such percentage] done with his/her Christmas shopping." Is it bad that I am precisely 0% done with my Christmas shopping? Hm. It doesn't bother me. Maybe it should...? Meh. I'll get around to it. 

I'm looking at you, Reader from Plano.

Look over to the left on my sidebar. You will please notice that I added a little feature there for people to out themselves as someone who reads my blahg. See that thing over there right underneath the picture of me playing the clarinet? With the blue letters that say "Follow This Blog". Yeah, that.  Click on it and add yourself. Because, frankly, when I am not busy stabbing shards of clarinet reed repeatedly into my eyeballs in order to escape from the nightmare of teaching the same basic rhythm (I'm talking half notes, people. Half notes and quarter notes.) and key signature over and over and over AND OVER again for hours on end - you can usually find me at home, chugging sipping a cup of coffee and wondering who in the world is reading this thing. I know my family does. I know some of my friends from California, Tennessee and Seattle do. I've even got some virtual friends who read from across an entire expanse of ocean! But, goddamnit, there's somebody who lives in Plano and reads my lame nonsensical random musings on a regular basis and I want to know who you are!!

I know, not bloody likely. But it's worth a shot, anyway. Um, because if you, Reader from Plano, happen to be the parent of one of the truly joyful cherubs who I teach clarinet lessons to on a weekly basis, then please believe me when I say that the quality of topics (namely: poop and farts) that I choose to write about have nothing to do with the quality of teaching that your blessed angel receives! I promise! *nervous laughter* And feel free to ignore that part above about me taking pieces of reed and jabbing it into my eye. Or the post before where I wrote about picking up a middle school child and throwing them across the room. I tooootally didn't mean that... (psst, you guys, yes I did). 

Anyway, go add yourselves to my reader list - even if you're not my Mystery Reader from Plano. I mean, geeeez, my own eff-ing cat and dog did it -- and do you know how hard it is to work the touchpad on this laptop with a tiny furry paw?? It will give me ever so much joy. Almost as much as a Star*ucks grande soy latte with one pump each of white mocha, toffee nut and raspberry. I've written about this drink before, and something tells me you haven't tried it yet. Loser. Go do it. Merry Christmas.

The Ghosts of Knoxville Past...on Facebook.

Remember in my former life when I worked for the KSO and I was irritated on a daily basis by Crazy Lunatic Supervisor? I wrote about her many many times. Such as in all these posts. Christmas seems to have come a little early for me this year since she eff-ing sent me a Facebook friend request the day after Thanksgiving. HAW! Makes me laugh. Anyway. Part of me really wants bygones to be bygones and just accept the request (whilst blocking any access and information to my blog url...um, for obvious reasons). But then another part of me - named Ben or Daddy #1 - absolutely forbids even the notion of it. It seems that - while no longer my supervisor - this woman remains to be both crazy and a lunatic, which has resulted in a bit of bad blood between these two. So, as it stands, her request shall remain ignored indefinitely. 

But in related news: this has not stopped me from snooping around on Crazy Lunatic Supervisor's Facebook profile and learning that OMG OMG OMG this crazy biatch has a Facebook page too! Wow, I didn't realize hateful, fugly trolls were allowed to have Facebook accounts now. I guess as long as you have an email address. In any case, I haven't figured out what to do with this newfound knowledge yet, but I'm sure I'll come up with something.

***

In other news:

1. How is it eff-ing December already?! Jeebus. Wasn't it summer just, like, yesterday? No, seriously, where is the time going? Yeesh.

2. So what did you learn over Thanksgiving, children? Oh, hey, I learned that my eff-ing gums are receding. That's a fun thing to realize and subsequently obsess over endlessly - to the extent that you dreamt for the past two nights about nothing except going to Target and buying a soft bristle toothbrush. Ugh. How dare my gums recede?! I, who spends the first ten minutes of every morning brushing away like a maniac, and then gargling and rinsing with mouthwash until my mouth feels like it's melting away in a pool of acid. ...Oh. Maybe there's my answer. Anyway, after Googling the hell out of "receding gums" this past weekend, I have come to the confusing conclusion that I need to somehow clean my mouth better while not brushing my teeth as hard as I do. Damnit. Blergh. I guess I'll be flossing twenty times a day now. With an average of 3 showers a day, I guess it won't be a big deal to add one more obsessive activity to my hygeine routine. Oy, such is life.

3. Speaking of: Hey, you know what you should make sure to do if you, not only eff-ing have receding gums, but are also down to your final precious puff of your asthma inhaler and last 5 pills of your daily asthma medication? Decide to be a self-employed musician who can't afford health insurance. Yeah, that's it. It adds just that last little bit of sour inustice to the whole thing. 

4. Oh, and in case you were wondering:

"Look to the southwest after sunset on Dec. 1 for a close conjunction between three bright solar system objects: the moon, Venus and Jupiter. If you have binoculars you might be even able to fit all three of them in the field of view." More info here.