This was going to be a Facebook status update but I didn't want my students to see it.

The desire to chop my hair and get bangs is strong. Someone talk some sense into me quick before I do something I regret and have to grow out for the next 12 months!! Ok go!!!

Nausea update (because you care)

Nausea was subsiding for a while. The only thing I found didn't make me instantly green after eating it was a peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwich at one o'clock in the morning. Um. But then I opened the fridge at lunch today and found the last two slices of forbidden cheese pizza from the other night. And so I ate them.

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? Ugh. Gotta go get ready to possibly wretch. I need help.

True story.

So Schmoobs and I decided to enjoy a nice, soothing - albeit, tattooed-and-beer-guzzling-college-frat-boy-and-meathead-filled - soak in the splooge hot tub yesterday before dinner. A few minutes in and this delightful, inquisitive, cute-as-a-button little boy (complete with pink floaties on his arms) who seriously could not have been a day over 3 years old came and joined us in the tub. It was cute when he started asking us all sorts of random questions: "What's your name?" "What's his name?" "Do you know her name?" Etc etc etc. When he asked me if I had any kids, I said, "Ugh. No. ...Uh, I have a puppy!" 

Then he proceeded to point at my chest and say, "You mean, like those puppies?"

Whaaaaat?!

* * * * *

Also: I have been annoyingly nauseous and lacking of appetite for the last couple of days. No, scratch that. I am constantly hungry. But every time I try to eat anything I have the unpleasant desire to throw it back up. I am certain it is just a minor bug that is going around. Um, and not at all anything to do with the fact that my recent failure at resisting that devil pot of macaroni and cheese has given me a sense of undeserved confidence and I have been eating all manner of cheese over the weekend. Mmm...most delicious self-poisoning ever.  Geblurghen.

Am currently fixing myself a batch of chicken noodle soup for detoxification. 

Oh, and did anyone else catch the premiere of "What Would Brian Boitano Make?" on the Food Network today? No? Ah well, your loss. Try to catch the next viewing. Because

Food Network

+ former Olympic champion cooking out of his San Francisco kitchen

+ actual yummy looking food

+ super campy humor

= AWESOME!

Dear God... What have I done...

You know what my niece's favorite food in the whole entire universe is? Mac and cheese. And you know what a lactose-intolerant, dairy-poisoned young lady such as myself is never allowed to have? Delicious fantastical magical wonderful cheese. So you can imagine my constant emotional pain as I stayed at my sister's house this summer, being constantly tempted and teased with day after day of "mac and cheese-this" and "mac and cheese-that" and continuously having to deprive myself of one of the most delicious foods ever to exist in the history of the universe.

So you will forgive me when, after weeks and months of self-denial for the measly sake of my personal health, my powers of self control were shattered and I couldn't effing take it anymore and I FIXED MYSELF A GIANT GOOEY STEAMING POT OF MACARONI AND CHEESE WITH EXTRA BUTTER AND EXTRA CHEESE GODDAMNIT BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE OUR BREAKING POINTS FOR CHRISSAKE AND IT WAS THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I HAVE EATEN IN A VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME GAAAAAH!!!

*sigh*

And now we wait for the aftermath.....

Less than 24 hours in Texas and I'm already terrorizing the children...

Note to the prepubescents of Texas: Do not attempt to knock on our apartment door and then run away because, as you hopefully have noticed, we live in a building with indoor unit entrances, and doing so will result in me casually walking down the hallway and catching you at the elevator trying to make your getaway and then making it clear with two questions and my trademark stinkeye that you will not be performing aforementioned prank again. 

Also, my flight yesterday was extremely pleasant and not at all marred by the most irritatingly loud talker in the universe sitting directly behind me, as evidenced by my Facebook status update upon landing:

Guess what time of the month it is? (You know, FYI)

The time of the month when lunch consists of an iced caramel macchiatto, Doritos, Cheetos and 2 Midol. Yum.

Oopsie daisies.

Went and had a tremendously lovely lunch with my former clarinet teacher at my undergraduate alma mater yesterday. As we took a stroll across campus to check out the fancy new student center we ran into an older gentleman who stopped my  former teacher to chat, at which point she introduced me to him as one of her former students. As I reached out to shake his hand, he said, "Oh, of course. I remember you!" And then I instantly raised my left eyebrow and gave him a confused and doubting look because I was sure that he was just a crazy old coot whom I had never met me before. 

At which point he leaned in towards me as he shook my hand and said, "Stephen Anderson.....former Dean of the Conservatory of Music."

As in MY former Dean. Oops.

One of these days...

...I'm really truly going to sit down and go through all of my mish-mash hodge-podge of summer vacation pictures so I can methodically and cleverly share them all with you on my blog. And also share with you the many wonderful, memorable and funny stories that accompany them.

One of these days.

But in the meantime, can I tell you how effing NOT pleasant it is to find out that Kablooie was towed from our friends' apartment at the end of last month (I drove there and then they gave me a ride to the airport) and I just got the notice at my sister's house today? And the cost to bust Kablooie out of car jail is roughly one trillion dollars?? And that since he's been in the slammer, they've been racking up a $20-per-day "storage fee"??? OH, AND I'M CURRENTLY TWO THOUSAND MILES AWAY AND HAVE THE ONLY KEY??? 

BLAAARGH!! BLAAAARGH TIMES INFINITY PLUS ONE!!!

*breathe*

*perform various acts of self-flagellation*

*borrow the Dharma time machine to go back in time and win the lottery without using Hurley's cursed numbers so I can pay for this effing towing fee*

*...while I'm at it, also go back in time to get a Masters Degree in Anything That Will Make Me A Comfortable Living Goddamnit So As To Make Minor (debatable) Auto Emergencies Less Apocalyptic*

*decide that begging the parentals for bail money - though infinitely more pathetic - is slightly less complicated*

Blergh.

In less totally sucktacular news, look at what I did today (thanks for taking the picture, Julia)!!

Hurley in my hometown in July:

Ysabel totally not at all being a LOST-obsessed stalker:

Hey, you know what happens when you leave your puppy with her grandpa for a week while you go cavorting in Tahoe?

Your puppy gets FAT, that's what!! BB is a cute tubby roly poly who can hardly jump up anymore!! AAACK! Time to hit the streets for some joint exercise, I guess....

"Does this angle make my butt look fat?"

Note to self: Begin BB's diet and exercise regimen STAT.

*****

Oh, and Tahoe was super fun.  Doy. Unfortunately, I opted out of the mid-day casino trip with both my brothers, my older brother's gf and my mom in which, apparently, all four of them won money. Blargh. Ah well, bygones. I suppose I can just go ahead and take a look at the bacon waffle (yes, you heard me right) I had for breakfast on Saturday morning to make myself feel better:

Strips of bacon embedded into this deliciously warm and crispy waffle. You should be thankful I took this picture before I doused this bad boy in maple syrup - otherwise you would be eating your computer monitor as we speak. And by "you" I meant "I."

Oh, and in case you were wondering, that wasn't my whole breakfast. This was my whole breakfast:

Hm. 

Note to self: Begin MY diet and exercise regimen STAT. 

Oh, and note the now-syrup-drizzled bacony waffle goodness in that second picture NOM NOM NOM.  Also: no, my family did not spend the whole weekend in Tahoe gambling and eating our arteries to happy death. There is a giant beautiful blue lake in that area to go to, after all. But seriously. Bacon wafffle. YUM.

Also, this reminds me.  I've got an increasingly expanding folder of unnamed, unedited and unorganized photos in this laptop that I really need to take care of so my posting of summer vacation photos can come about with more ease...maybe later.