I was awake at 3am because 1) I can't get a job anywhere not even for seven-stupid-dollars-and-forty-freaking-cents an hour, and 2) I have become addicted to watching every episode of the British trashtacularfest "Made in Chelsea." It's like Laguna Beach (remember??) and The Hills with way more money and haughtiness. But they all speak with super posh British accents so, even though they are all vapid terrible people, they sound classy. Like, check out this guy. He's my favorite. He sounds just like Stewie Griffin!
Anyway. So, I was up in our bedroom with the animals in the wee hours of the night staving off sleep and regulating my sleep cycle in order to minimize the number of scary dark hours I spend unconscious in this big house by myself. When Schmoobles is out of town, Knuckles is still a very real and menacing threat to me.
I looked over to my left and noticed President Bela of the Finer Things Club staring very intently at a spot on the carpet.
He was stalking some insect that was crawling around slowly.
I wanted to go over and kill the thing with my slipper, but then I thought, "No, Bela is stalking it. I want to give him the satisfaction of THE KILL!" I didn't want to take away the glorious victory that his feline bloodlust was yearning for. So I let it go. I was all, "It's just a little baby beetle looking thing. It's not like it's going to get very far before Bela gets it."
AND THEN THE DAMN THING SPROUTED WINGS AND STARTED FLYING ALL AROUND ME TRYING TO EAT MY FACE WITH ITS TINY LITTLE WICKED FANGS! (I couldn't see that closely, but I'm sure it had fangs.) So I yelped, threw myself off the bed, grabbed a nearby slipper, and crouched down into defense mode. But as I scanned the entire room, I couldn't find this damn apparently-flying predator anywhere. I looked everywhere. How could one sleep knowing this beast was lurking, just waiting to bite your face off - or worse, crawl into your mouth orifice while you were sleeping?!?!
But after searching every nook and cranny while mumbling to myself - slipper still firmly in my grasp - I finally decided to call it a night. I checked the bed covers and pillows one last time to make sure it wasn't hiding in there, took off my contacts, cautiously climbed back into bed, and went to turn the bedside lamp off.
Guess what I saw as I flicked the switch...
THE MOVING SILHOUETTE OF THIS DEADLY INSECT!! It had been hiding inside the lampshade all that time!!
Without my eyeballs in, I could see enough of this dark, blurry moving object to know what it was. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to see it at all if I made a move to attack it and it flew out of the lamp. So I whimpered to myself, wrapped myself in my comforter like a little burrito, making sure to seal off all possible openings, pep-talked myself to keep my mouth closed the whole night, and drifted off to sleep.
Less than 3 hours before the sun comes up!
And that's what is going on in my life at 3am.
Also, I cooked this for dinner last night. Thing you should try if you have the following in your kitchen - onion, apple, greens of some kind, cider vinegar, goat cheese:
1. Saute the onions in olive oil or coconut oil. Throw several garlic cloves in there, too, if you want.
2. Add an apple, sliced. Add some cider vinegar to the mix. I don't know how much. A couple tablespoons? Depends on how much you like vinegar and how much you're making, I guess.
3. When the above ingredients are soft, add your greens to wilt. You can also add a dash of black pepper and a squidgen (I made that up) of sea salt if you want.
4. At the last minute, you can toss in some raisins and sliced almonds. These are optional, but they add a really nice touch.
5. Serve with goat cheese.
The perfect delicious and healthy accompaniment to a couple of roasted chicken boobs. Also, I totally am incapable of adjusting my cooking habits when Schmooblidoos is out of town, so I ended up with way too much food for one person's dinner. Oh well, leftovers for lunch!
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