Apparently being unemployed has given my subconscious too much free time...

Have you ever woken up terrified because you just had a nightmare that left you shaken up...but then later on in the day you thought back on it and it was actually something really silly? Comical, even? This morning I woke up in a sweat because I had an honest-to-God nightmare in which an evil entity was threatening to kill everybody and I was the only one who could save the world. Did I mention that the evil entity was SNL's Kevin Nealon? And that I could switch between being a cute wittle kitty cat and Lisa Simpson? This can only mean one thing: one too many hotdogs before going to bed at 2 in the morning...

***

Ok, now it's 3am and I can't sleep. Thankfully I haven't had any nightmare hotdogs today. I am left with only one more decent hour of The Food Network left to watch before it all goes to the dreaded ...Paid Programming. Bah. Oh, and by the way, just so you alll know: I made a pact with myself about 15 minutes ago that I am going to take myself on a trip somewhere fabulous next year. I don't know where and I don't know how, but it's going to happen. Mark my words. Thanks, Joan. Anyway, more on this development at a later point. After I've thought through some more details (Namely: In which I have a heart to heart with myself and ask, "What, you think money grows on trees?!"). In any case, until next time...Ich bin Blitz!!!

What Type of Weather Are You?

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

A barista's work is never done...

My third official day of unemployed uselessness found me taking a trip to Super Target in the Turkey Creek shopping center. My goal was to 1) purchase and consume an iced caramel macchiato and 2) purchase a lounge robe. The proper way to say this is "louunnnge robe." While we were browsing around Target one day not too long ago, I told Scott that I wanted a robe. This prompted him to ask incredulously, "Why would you want a robe?!" And I responded, "Look. Sometimes after you take a shower you don't want to put on clothes, but you don't want to walk around naked either." To which he replied, "Oh. Point well made." So there.

And especially in my current state, in which I find myself with no real reason to put together any sort of well-thought-out ensemble at any point during the day, I think a nice, comfy lounge robe would be the perfect final step in my near-instant transformation from working woman to useless lump of flesh on couch. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a robe that was both comfortable, cute and not made for a 6-foot tall giantess. You know, something that won't make me look and feel like a 26 year old member of the Golden Girls. And one that is also within my budget (i.e. just a hair above free). So no lounge robe for Ysabel yet. But the search continues...

Also, I went to the Starbucks kiosk (Located within the Super Target, thank you very much. Now you know why it's my version of The Happiest Place on Earth!) to purchase my Grande iced caramel macchiato. I observed the barista start off by pouring some frappucino mix into my cup and, needleess to say, I spent the next ten minutes explaining to the poor woman the proper way to make an iced caramel macchiato. "Um, I'm sooorry...I'm pretty sure a caramel macchiato should be with milk and espresso..." It seems she was new and the other person working with her had just left to take a break.

Just so you know, the correct way is to put 3 pumps of Vanilla syrup, then fill with whole milk to the first green line, top with a Grande scoop of ice, then pour two shots of espresso over , and finally garnish with caramel syrup in the classic Star*ucks 7 + 7 criss-cross and swirl pattern. Except that I am a Star*ucks snob and ordered it with 2 pumps of Vanilla syrup, 2% milk and decaf espresso. Anyway, the young barista grasshopper was very thankful that I was patient with her and shared with her my Star*ucks wisdom. She should be glad that I didn't order my more usual cold beverage: A Grande iced 2-pump decaf soy no-whip white mocha. God, is it possible to love and hate yourself at the same time for the very same reason??

ps. The other night I dreamt that I was one of the Hilton sisters (I couldn't tell if it was Nicky or Paris) and that I was being interviewed on TV and the interviewer asked me why my sister and I had such a good relationship and I replied, "Well, when we were growing up, our mom would put things that the other person really liked into our mouths so that we would always stay close to each other." And then I woke up. WTF?

It's Monday and I'm not at work!

And what have I accomplished with my day thus far? Let's see:

1. Slept in til 10 am.

2. Flipped between The View, E! News, Ellen, and reruns of Gilmore Girls and Will & Grace all within the same hour.

3. Cleaned the kitchen.

4. Ran the dishwasher.

5. Cleaned and vacuumed the living room.

6. Ate a slice of Star*ucks iced lemon pound cake and two hotdogs for breakfast.

7. Showered before lunchtime.

I'm on quite a roll. Truth be told, however, I think I've finally reached that point in my life when being able to sleep in and do whatever you want with your day just isn't as satisfying as it used to be. Did you hear that, Mom and Dad? The day has come! Hahaha. Anyway, vacations are one thing, but an indefinite period of unemployment (i.e. un-paycheck-ment) is a whole new story. Can't wait to get to Seattle and figure out what the hell to do with myself there.

But in the meantime, I hear some Seinfeld reruns calling my name...

Signing off!

...As a gainfully employed person, anyway.

Waaaaah!!!

Well, as you may have gathered, this will be my last official post as the Patron Services Coordinator/Executive Assistant/Office B*tch for the Knoxville Symphony Orchestra. It was fun while it lasted. Or to be more precise, getting a regular paycheck was fun while it lasted. *sigh* But I have every confidence that something will come up in Seattle that will be even bigger and better and allow me to continue my unhealthy Star*ucks and chez Target addiciton. Right? Right??!!

In any case, next time you hear from me I will be newly unemployed and well on my way to becoming destitute. Just kidding about that last part. I hope. In the meantime, the office is throwing me a going away party in T minus 2 hours and 56 minutes, where there will be much office cake-eating and perhaps some boozing going on. Huzzah!

Hurray!......?

This is my last week of guaranteed work.

I am training my replacement the entire week.

She is cool and very much like me (simultaneously highly efficient and lazy).

We've already both confessed to each other our affinity for spending countless hours at work doing non-work-related activities at the computer.

The point of all this is that I will be unable to do much (if any) bloggingy-goodness at the office this week as I will have a shadow by me at nearly all times.

My apologies.

Most updating for the remainder of this week will be done at home in the brief few moments before bedtime when I am only half conscious.

Hence, the fractured thoughts and lack of paragraphical organization in this post.

My apologies again.

In any case, look forward to an indeterminate period of Ysabel-no-longer-blogging-about-her-office-antics-and-now-blogging-about-her-state-of-pennilessness-and-destitution.

But at least I will be in Seattle, baby.

Yeah.

Also, I have been driving my car for two days now with not one menacing buzz to be heard.

Victory is mine!

2.5 weeks until the cross-country drive...

Fie on me!

Last year, I forgot to wish my niece Kat a Happy Birthday. I had to do it a day late on my blog. Here is a reminder of my incompetence.

This year, I did it again.

I am the worst aunt ever!

My excuse is that I am still be too traumatized by the evil beemonster that is awaiting me in my car's driver's side air conditioning vent to think of anything else. Also, as I explained to She Who Spawned The World's Most Awesome Niece Ever (i.e. my sister) in an email just 5 minutes ago because it is now too late to call, I have eaten nothing today but a leftover Taco Bell burrito, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, two corndogs, two Krispy Kreme donuts, a tall decaf (ugh) soy 2-pump no-whip white mocha and a lot of Diet Coke. Therefore, my insides are currently rotting themselves away and the blood supply to my brain has been compromised. And that's why I completely forgot to call and wish Kat a Happy Birthday.

Buuut, better one hour and 56 minutes late than never! So...

BZZZ.

So I was climbing into my car in the office parking lot yesterday afternoon, absolutely brimming with energy because 1) it was Thursday, I had just finished work, and I didn't have to come into the office the next day, which meant my weekend had officially begun and 2) I had eaten nothing but 4 glazed Krsipy Kreme donuts, a Panera bagel, leftover 4th of July Mystery Office Carrot Cake and coffee during the course of the workday and, hence, could no longer feel my face. As I climbed into my vehicle, I could see -- seemingly in slow motion -- out of the corner of my eye, a gigantic killer bee fly into my car right before I pulled the door shut.

My sugar-overloaded heart instantly froze as I found myself sitting in the driver's seat staring right into the cold stare of this giant beemonster and, when my brain finally kicked in about 3 seconds later, I literally kicked my door open while screaming at the top of my lungs and jumped back out into the safety of the parking lot.

I looked back inside my car and saw my would-be murderer planted there right on my steering wheel, it's wings all splayed out, in full-on attack mode. In my panic, I picked up the first thing I could find that could be used as a weapon of defense, which, in this case, was a disgusting old disease-ridden single flip-flop that some poor, now one-shoe-less chap had left behind in the parking lot. As I held the shoe gingerly between two fingers I crept towards the giant bee and with a shriek Aiiiiiieeeeee!!! ... SWATTED THE LIVING HELL OUT OF IT!!!

With an uneasy sense of victory, I inspected both the interior of my car and the surrounding parking lot asphalt surrounding it. As I crouched over to try and find evidence of a dead beemonster, ringing my hands, whimpering and talking to myself, I looked over my right shoulder to see a young gentleman walk by me with his eyebrow cocked and a puzzled (concerned?) expression on his face. I thought for a second about trying to explain my situation to him -- I'm not crazy! I swear! -- but I figured that even the most truthful and accurate explanation wouldn't convince him of my sanity. "There was a bee in my car and it almost ate my face!" Anyway, I unfortunately couldn't find any evidence of the beemonster anywhere, neither inside nor outside my car. So, about 5 minutes of self-convincing later, I hesitatingly climbed back into my car to try and make the drive home without having a nervous breakdown.

I made it through downtown and onto Cumberland Ave. and had just about calmed myself down completely when I heard this:

"BZZ."

.....What the hell was that?

* Drive 2 blocks down Cumberland Ave. *

"BZZ."

* Eep! *

* Drive 3 blocks down Cumberland Ave. *

"BZZ."

OhmyGod!!OhmyGod!!OhmyGod!!OhmyGod!!OhmyGod!!

Anyway, after a few more blocks down Cumberland Ave. I couldn't take it anymore and pulled into -- no joke -- a Star*ucks parking lot because I needed to be in a place of comfort, whereupon I swiftly kicked my door open again and jumped out of my car again and started jumping nervously around periodically peeking inside and trying to figure out where the beemonster was hiding. It was only after about 5 minutes of this -- while screaming over the phone at Heather trying to explain my current situation -- that I realized that I had been making a spectacle of myself in front of several passing Star*ucks customers. Not that I cared since my face had nearly been eaten off by a giant killer bee.

In any case, I eventually was able to collect my bearings and find the wherewithall to climb back into my deathmobile and drive crazily back home, while simulataneously keeping one eye on the road and the other eye firmly planted on the area surrounding my steering wheel console and driver's side air conditioning vent because that's where the killer's buzzing was coming from, and talking on the phone with my sister, whom I had by now called to seek some mental support. My end of the conversation went something like this:

"So what do you guys have planned for Kat's birthday?"

"Uh huh."

"Oh cool!"

"BZZZ."

"OHMYGOD!!!

* slight whimpering *

"Oh really? That'll be c--"

"BZZZ."

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!"

Long story short, I finally made it back to my apartment alive, face fully intact. No thanks to Scott, Ben, Julia, Erin and Dev -- all of whom I called for emotional support during my moment of distress and all of whom didn't answer their phones!!!! Agh!!!! Hahaha. Just kidding. Even if you all did answer, all you would have heard was some crazy person screaming in the background about a killer bee waiting to eat her face.

The unfortunate part about this whole incident is that I am now completely incapable of setting foot inside my car ever again because I know that beemonster is still lurking inside my air conditioning vent waiting to attack when I least expect it, and am now, of course, going to have to sell my car. That's life I guess. Stupid bees.