A New Project.

So there's this shopping center near our place that has recently added several new establishments to its roster and Scott and I decided to check out some of the new additions this afternoon. Plus, we were low on toothpaste and perilously low on toilet paper, so it only made sense to spend some time there, considering there is also a Target at that location. Yes, that's it. It only made sense. Anyway, we had narrowed our restaurant choices down to three locations:

• Red Robin: Awesome burgers. Messy so I always have to shower afterwards, but tasty nontheless. Don't get the weird pork fajitas, though. They're disgusting.


• The Ram: Standard college pub fare. There's one near the UW that's very popular with the college crowd. The food's decent.


• Stanford's: Never heard of it. Mysteriously non-descript-looking building. Intriguing.

We decided to try this Stanford's place because neither Scott and I had ever heard of it before, and we were feeling bored/adventurous. Long story short: bad idea. I'll explain more later. But as we made our way to Target in Scott's truck after that less-than-satisfactory meal, we both decided that it was a travesty that we are not professional critics on everthing, because we are highly critical of everything and everyone that crosses our paths. Also, we are awesome and everyone should listen to everything we say. In any case, this led me to the realization that I should post more critiques and reviews on my blog. That way, when you are ever unsure of what to think of a particular place, food, tv show, person, etc. you can always say to yourself, "I wonder what Ysabel thinks?" and then you can consult this blog and conform to my opinions as need be. At least you will if you want to be awesome like me. It would be like reviews on Yelp, but not, because I'm too lazy to start a Yelp account, despite the fact that when I'm not blogging, or checking my email for the 98th time that day, or checking Facebook or Myspace, or looking up job listings on Craigslist, I look up everything I can possibly think of on Yelp. It's fun.

Anyway, so you'll be seeing some reviews by Yours Truly on this blog periodically. Unless I completely forget that I even started this whole project, which is not out of the realm of possibility. But just in case, I've constructed my very own personal rating guide. Look there on the sidebar. There it is! Here is a breakdown of the food ratings guide:

FOOD & DRINK

1 Star = Ruby Tuesday

There is a Ruby Tuesday in Knoxville on Kingston Pike. It was not far from Scott's apartment, so we ate there on more than one occasion because it was so damn convenient, and always seemed like a good idea. The thing is, everytime we went, the food sucked. Hard. Bad burgers, bad soup, bad sandwiches, etc etc etc. Why did we keep going back? Because we're stupid and stubborn, and maybe a little bit hopeful. But everytime we went, it sucked worse and worse until, finally, we hit our limit and decided that Ruby Tuesday was the worst thing in the planet ever and I've never been back since. Ten years from now, I will look fondly back on my years in Knoxville...but then my memory will drift towards the precious meals I wasted at Ruby Tuesday and my heart will grow cold and my insides will become filled with bile and venom.

Ruby Tuesday: It sucks. Balls. Hard. Don't ever go there. One star for you!

2 Stars = Best Friend Espresso

Oy. I can't believe I've never spoken about this place before. This is a drive-thru espresso hut that I pass every single day during my drive to and from work. For months and months, I noticed that everytime I drove by it, there was a ridiculously long line of cars waiting in its drive-thru. I always said to myself, "Man, they must make really good lattes!" Especially since, I mean, duh, this is Seattle -- the Land of A Thousand Espresso Huts on Every Street Corner. This place had to be special. But I never stopped to check out their drinks because half the time I was driving past it, I was running late to get to work, and the other half of the time, I was so embittered from being forced to interact with bitchy old piano-teaching hags, that I couldn't seem to drive home fast enough.

Anyway. I just happened to casually mention Best Friend Espresso to Greatest Print Assistant Ever one day, and she was all, "...Ummm, you know why there's always a line there, right?" And I was like, "Uh, no." And then she proceeded to explain to me that this espresso stand makes its baristas dress up in really slutty lingerie tops and short short skirts to attract customers! Like, bikinis and bras and whatever. Not only that, but their service window is on some kind of raised platform so that the girls have to bend over to serve the drinks to the customers. Narf! I object! Well, okay, so I know these places have to be creative to stay competitive, but still.

In an unexpected twist, this bit of information made me even more intrigued because I wanted to check out what all the fuss was with these slutty ho-bags. So one weekend, Scott and I found ourselves driving past this very establishment and, on a lark, I told him to stop so we could get some lattes there. I actually had pretty high expectations as we made our way to the window. I mean, what could possess a (dirty old) man to wait in a line ten cars long that he can't find by doing a simple two-second Google search on the intarwebs? Seriously. I believe my words to Scott as we sidled up to the window were, "They better be really slutty."

Verdict? (cue trombones) Wah wah wah.... 1) The girls were not that attractive. 2) Their outfits, while trashy, were uninspired and not that exciting, to be perfectly honest. 3) I am not convinced that they were not underage high school girls. Ew ew ew. 4) Oh yeah, the espresso was aight.

Best Friend Espresso: Gross. It makes me want to take a shower. But it involves espresso-related drinks, so it gets one notch above the worst rating. Two stars.

3 Stars = Mandarin House

Oh, Mandarin House. How I loved to frequent you in Knoxville. Usually with Ben. Remember this? What can I say? It's standard gorge-yourself-rotten Chinese buffet goodness. It's not dirty, but it's greasy. And oooh so tasty. The service staff was always friendly to me because I was an Asian person living in east Tennessee, and that alone was enough to garner me a warm reception from the hostess everytime I walked in. My favorites: the orange chicken, green beans, hot and sour soup, little macaroon-y cookie things, and the deep fried puffy donut holes rolled in sugar. Ggghlllaaalhllahalalahllll...

Mmm...Mandarin House: Never spectacular but never a disappointment either. I miss you, Mandarin House. Three stars.

4 Stars = Burger Hut

Not long after Scott started classes at the UW, he called me on my phone to tell me that he had just eaten The Greatest Hamburger Ever at this dinky little hole-in-the-wall shack on University Ave (or "The Av" as all the hip college kids call it. The granola-eating hippie equivalent of "The Strip" at UT, except with way more incense and hemp).

After hearing him go on and on at length about the amazing-ness of this burger, I proceeded to roll my eyes (He couldn't tell on the other end. Ha!) and assume that he was just exaggerating. After all, how much different could this be to any other burger, right? Oh, how foolish I was. Scott was speaking of thier Burger Hut Special. I briefly mentioned it here. It is simply a delicious fresh-grilled burger with a special sauce and a blanket of scrambled eggs inside. Never had egg in your burger? I pity you. It is fantastic.

Also, this tiny establishment seems to be run by a Cambodian family. That's my guess, anyway, and my Asian-determinator-radar is usually pretty accurate. I guess I could just ask next time. Anyway, a great little hamburger joint run by a small bunch of quiet but friendly Cambodian men? Awesome.

Burger Hut: You offer simplicity and awesome-ness. I've never ordered anything but your Burger Hut Special, but that's okay. I'm sure everything else is equally delicious. Also, I am not convinced that you do not mix in a little bit of crack in your special sauce because you have made Scott and I totally addicted. Damn you. No wait. I mean, Damn! You! ...are awesome! Four Stars!

4.5 Stars = Wasabi

Every couple of days or so, either Scott or I will look at the other one with sad eyes and then when the other person asks what's wrong, the reply comes out: "I miss Wasabi." Imagine Benihana's. But BETTER. And so much cheaper, damnit. The best teppan-yaki Japanese grill place everrr. In the whole universe. And it was so close to Scott's apartment in Knoxville. Hear that, Ruby Tuesday? Wasabi is what you could never even dream to be!!! The teppan-yaki chefs were always nice and the food was incredible. I chose to celebrate my 26th birthday there, in fact. Too bad I didn't post about it. Hmph. Their House Soup is a delicious broth that has every scrumptious thing under the sun in it: seafood, vegetables, chicken, Ultra-Super-Gloriousness. I recommend ordering their Samurai Dinner. Ribeye steak, shrimp and chicken, all masterfully grilled before your very eyes and served with grilled vegetables and fried rice. And that orange-colored sauce that they serve with it? Sweet Lord in Heaven, it's f*ing delicious. And then they top everything off with these sweet grilled carrots that are so goddamn tasty. Scott hated them (silly boy), so that always meant that I got a double serving. Mmm. Oh God, I have to stop or I'll start crying.

Anyway, we have been in search of a replacement-Wasabi since we moved here and it has been a fruitless search to say the least. We tried this one Japanese steakhouse near our apartment that actually was recommended to me by my predecessor at my current job. The prices were comparable, but the quality of food was waaay sub-par. Plus the building looked like it used to be a brothel. And it smelled like it, too. We also went to Benihana's in downtown Seattle when we first moved here. Well, it's Benihana's so the food was decent, but still. Did not compare to Wasabi. Where were my sweet grilled carrots? Where was my beloved orange-colored mystery sauce of goodness? Where is my House Soup, goddamnit?! Ugh. I distinctly remember our bill coming close to $100. Unacceptable. In the Land of Japanese Teppan Yaki, Wasabi REIGNS SUPREME!

Wasabi: I love you. I yearn for you. Scott says you should be tied for 5 stars. But I had to make a choice and since you are, well, now naught but a fond twinkle in my distant memory, you came out just ever so slightly below the top of the rating chart. Sigh. Four point five stars.

5 Stars = Salty's Brunch Buffet

Do I really have to explain this one? If I do, you have not been paying attention, and for that you should be punished. By eating at Ruby Tuesday. Hahaha. No really. I wrote about it here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Need more proof of my love for the Salty's Weekend Brunch Buffet? I suggested to my family that they come up here for Thanksgiving this year. Because I miss them so. But maybe mostly because I wanted us all to do the Salty's Brunch Buffet in lieu of the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Too bad they didn't bite. Oh well.

Salty's Brunch Buffet: You know I'm your botch. I would do anything for you. Dirty, nasty things that would involve me taking a trip to the confessional afterward. Just kidding. But seriously. You are a glutton's dream. Since I am a glutton, you are my dream come true. Five stars.

The End.

Anyway, to review Stanford's: The food was way overpriced, Scott's burger was way overdone, my Steak & Cheddar sandwich was not just meh, but also contained Swiss cheese instead of cheddar. Bizarre. Also, their water tasted like it came out of a garden hose. If I had to point out any positives, I can say that the cup of coffee I got was decent, as was the calamari appetizer we shared. Hardly enough to redeem itself, however. At least Scott and I now know never to eat here again. I mean, we could give it another shot but I have a bad feeling we would just be reliving the whole Ruby Tuesday fiasco all over again. And how appropriate would it have been had I gone with my original rating of a Ruby Tuesday? Because that's what I was going to give it. But then I gave it a second look-see and realized that I couldn't give it a Ruby Tuesday just yet. We haven't tried too much of the menu yet (not that I think we're going to ever again, anyway) plus, like I said, the coffee and calamari were not so disgusting.

RATING: Stanford's at Northgate Mall gets a Best Friend Espresso. Two Stars, but only because I am having an uncommon moment of weakess. I must be PMS-ing.

A breakdown of the customer service ratings guide to follow...