Not for the faint of heart.

This one goes out to my brother-in-law, Greg, who apparently found my previous post to be way laaame. Oh, you didn't understand that I was conveying the inner complexities of the dichotomies between the male and female psyche as illustrated through the differences in how we spend quality time at Chez Target? Well, for that, you get the following anecdote:

So I've been sick the last couple of days. At first I woke up with a horrible sore throat, accompanied by this constant disgusting film in my mouth that just won't go away, and a quite literal un-willingness of my body to remove itself from the confines of my bed. And then it turned into The Greatest Quantity of Mucous and Bile Ever to Fit Inside One Head.* And theeen - are you paying attention, Greg? 'Cause here's the punchline! -- I got the stomach-ache of stomach-aches (you know, the one that signals a coming of really really bad, unfortunate things to come), went to the bathroom and did my business, and when I looked at the result of the previous 5-10 minutes of That Unpleasantness of Which I Must Not Speak In Literal Terms Because I Am A Dainty Little Lady, I saw that I had somehow produced a white porcelain bowl of SESAME SEEDS. Like, sesame seeds! Who in the hell poops out actual whole sesame seeds??!! And it wasn't like they were seeds, um, imbedded into you-know-what. It was like, there was the usual you-know-what (albeit not quite it's usual firm self, a little bit more free-form, if you will)...and then bam! Emeril came by and threw in a handful of sesame seeds.

I literally stood there for like 30 seconds in complete awe/shock/wonder/disgust staring at my wonderful horrible creation because I could not for the life of me remember having eaten one sesame seed -- not to mention an entire lot of them -- in the last several days. I was like, did my bowels create sesame seeds inside me? What the hell?! ...And then I remembered that I had eaten a burger from Jack-in-the-Crack earlier that day (sesame seeds in the bun), which Scott had purchased for me the night before, but which I had not eaten because my stomach didn't feel up to it. And then I decided it would be a good idea to nuke the burger the next day and eat it because I didn't have the energy to get anything else to eat. And if you think about it, how much more appropriate could that possibly be, because, as it would turn out, it did cause something jacked to come out of my crack. Ha.

Is that better, Greg? Never mock my posts again.

ps. I should also say that Greatest Print Assistant Ever truly lived up to her unofficial title these last couple of days while I was at home wallowing in self-pity as she did more than her fair share of keeping this hell-hole in complete working order. I owe her like 10 bottles of whisky and a bucket of cookies, I think. Speaking of this hell-hole -- time for me to leave it and go guzzle some more Nyquil. And, for my mother, some Xango :)


* Not really. Last year was much worse. Remember this? And this? And this? But the winter season is young, so they say. I'm sure the annual black plague will hit me at some point in the next couple of months. Plus, it felt crappy all the same.