6:30 - Alright, I'm giving this live-blogging a television event thing a go. Not sure how it's going to work out, but we'll find out. Or I may give up in five minutes. You never know.
6:31 - I also feel obligated to share that I just finished 20 minutes of ass exercises because I haven't worked out since...um, I blogged about it last (OMG three weeks ago) and I'm pretty sure my ass is two inches lower than it was last month. Man, being almost-thirty is a b*tch. Also, because I am smart, I know that I have to do something to begin trying to get my buttocks back up high and tight. Because if I know anything, I know that I want to not feel like a shapeless schlub while watching tonight's show and I know that Olympic athletes' asses are most definitely high and tight. Well, except maybe the curling team.
6:34 - So sad about the Georgian luger. RIP Nodar Kumaritashvili. To die so young. It's little consolation, but at least he died realizing a dream that very few people in this world get to do. Ugh, I'm going to have to pour myself a glass of wine after this.
6:40 - Jeebus, could NBC show the tragic footage any more times?! I've had to block the television screen with my hand like three times already. Have a little respect and compassion for the family, eh, NBC? Hm, the Canadian and Olympic flags are flying at half mast and the Opening Ceremonies are going to be dedicated to Kumaritashvili. That is nice.
6:45 - Aaah, NBC's touching tribute to the tender loving relationship between the United States and Canada. *snort* Canada. You'll always have curling.
6:47 - Oh, now they've gone and brought up how much Canada helped us immediately after the 9/11 attacks. I'm a bad person. I take it all back! Ooooo Caaaanadaaaaa..... I haven't even had any wine yet. No, seriously. Canada is awesome and Vancouver is beautiful. Did you know that I had my first ever sushi in May 1997 in Seattle on a band trip to Vancouver? If memory serves me correctly, it was tuna nigiri, not a roll. I almost gagged and vomited. But that's neither here nor there. Loves me sushi now.
6:52 - Ski jumping qualifying rounds footage. Meh. Where's Apolo?!
6:53 - How do these ski jumpers not break their knee caps every single time they land?! My ankles snap every time I try to do more than fifteen jumping jacks.
6:58 - Mmm, dramatic montage of different winter sports. Yes! More slow-motion ski slices! There can never be enough!
6:59 - Uh oh. The dramatic montage of the American athletes and their back stories complete with dramatic music has begun. Cue swelling strings and homogeneous choir. This is like crack to me.
7:00 - APOLO!!!
7:00 - Shaun White? Didn't he like jam his face on a half-pipe a couple of weeks ago? Glad to see he's still competing. Didn't follow up on that one.
7:01 - Agh. Effing Norwegians. Your Winter sports skillz frighten me to no end. USA! USA!
7:01 - Yes. Men's figure skating.
7:01 - Evan Lysacek. You are not straight. Figure it out.
7:02 - I feel like the female speed skaters could crack my skull open like a walnut with the power of their thighs.
7:04 - APOLO!!!
7:05 - Awww. Bobby C and Matt Lauer. I totally had a crush on Bob Costas when I was younger and it was PURELY because of the Olympics. Is that disturbing? I heart Bobby C.
7:05 - Holy sh*t, Shaun White. Every time you come on the screen I think you are a very unfortunate-looking redheaded woman. It's a good thing you are such a badass snowboarder...
7:07 - Our hockey goalie's name is Jack Johnson? The other Jack Johnson's music bores me to tears. Don't tell Schmoobs. He's a fan.
7:15 - Interview with Lindsay Vonn in NBC's token fireside cabin interview set. Crackling fire, check. Inordinate amounts of vanilla-scented candles, check. Hardwood floors, stone fireplace, log cabin, check check check.
7:20 - Belbin and Agosto. Pretty ice dancers. Apparently they had a bit of trouble traveling to Vancouver last night what with all the airport delays.
Dan Patrick: "Tougher to get here? Or tougher to get a gold medal? Hyuck hyuck hyuck."
Eff you, Dan Patrick. Quit with the stupid quesions.
7:26 - Story with Mary Carillo about her torch-relay experience. Is that Finlandia on piano playing in the background? Mos def. Cool, I guess. Except that it's a Finnish nationalistic tone poem. Unacceptable! USA! USA!
7:30 - Ooooh, Apolo is up next after the commercial break. I'm pouring myself a glass of wine.
7:32 - Oh hello Apolo.
7:33 - Aw, he has to skip out on tonight's opening ceremonies because he's competing tomorrow. Sads.
7:33 - Apolo. We have to talk about the pube patch that's been on your face for the last 8 years. Is that where all your speed-skating prowess lies? Is that why you haven't gotten rid of it? I see no other fathomable reason...
7:37 - NBC is telling me that that is 2006 Olympic silver medalist Lindsey Jacobellis on my television screen, but all I see is Courtney Love.
7:43 - Bode Miller is back?! Oh Bode. Bode, Bode, Bode.....
7:45 - Travel and tourism spot for HelloBC.com featuring a delightful assortment of Canadian celebrities. Sarah Mclachlan, Michael J. Fox, Ryan Reynolds, Kim Cattrall?? Where's Pam Anderson, I wonder? Hahaha.
7:48 - Oh, here we go. "We Are the World: Redux" *sigh* It's for a good cause...
- Who was this little leprechaun that sang the first line? Answer.
- Michael and Janet!
- Babs!
- Okay, so far it is not terrible.
- Celine. Celine, Celine, Celine. Who else would relegate Lionel Richie to backup-dancer duty?
- Lil' Wayne on autotune! It could not be any other way.
- Kanye. Ugh. Get off my screen.
- Ew, I saw Miley Cyrus and almost vomited in my mouth.
7:52 - Okay, in all honesty, that was fairly tastefully done. Good job, Quincy. Donate for Haitian relief.
7:54 - My goodness, how much marijuana did Gretchen Bleiler and Hannah Teter smoke before this interview? (There's a special cameo at the end of the video. I'm looking at you, Sarah L.)
7:58 - Bobby C: "The Opening Ceremony. is next." Woot!
7:59 - Wheeeeeee!
7:59 - Man, I wonder what it's like to be in that stadium right now. SO COOL!
8:00 - Okay, posting may become sparse as I will be busy peeing my pants and enjoying the ceremonies....
8:06 - "Oooooo Caaaanadaaaaa..." (those are the only words I know)
8:07 - I am loving how the entire stadium looks like a giant blue and white ice palace.
8:07 - Hello Canadian Mounties. YOU NEED TO TAKE MARCHING TECHNIQUES FROM SCHMOOBLEBUNS. Hahaha.
8:09 - Aw, national anthem of Canada. Okay, now's my chance to learn the words for real. Ooh, a mini-Celine Dion!
O Canada
Our home and native land
To ???
In all the sons...???
Oh sh*t she's gone French on me. Meh, I'll consult Google later.
8:12 - Dear mini-Celine Dion: You are a bazillion times more talented than both Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift combined. You win the Gold Medal for tween singing.
8:13 - Dear Canada: Can we trade our tween singers for yours? Ours are terrible. Even those that win Best Album of the Year Grammy Awards.
8:14 - YES. I love when the host nations do grand exhibitions showcasing their native histories complete with giant stylized structures. More more more!
8:15 - Is that wolf suit faux or real? It's pretty rad. Although, PETA is going to have a field day with that gentleman.
8:16 - YES YES! More aboriginal peoples of Canada! Less French-Canadians! (No offense, Celine) I like Canadians. And I like French people. But I don't like French-Canadians. Why?
8:19 - I'm a psycho for getting all teary-eyed at this spectacle. I'm not even ovulating. I just love the Olympics SO HARD.
8:21 - I want one of those gigantic Aboriginal ice sculptures.
8:21 - YAY! The Parade of Nations is starting!! Welcome Greece!! I love your salads and Baklava. Opa!
8:22 - Okay, it's going to be a little while before we get to the USA and the Philippines. Maybe now's a good time for a potty break. Wait, is there even a Filipino delegation in the Winter Olympics? Doubtful.
8:23 - Aw, Algeria only has one athlete in its delegation. How cute!
8:30 - If I were one of those athletes walking in the Parade of Nations, you would be able to follow my trail very easily, as I would be leaving behind an obvious trail of yellow snow/ice in the stadium. You know, because I'd be peeing in my pants the whole time. I'm not even kidding.
8:35 - Where the hell is Estonia? I feel like it should be in Eastern Europe somewhere.
8: 36 - Oh, there you are:
8:37 - Ah! Macedonia! I love your clarinet folk tradition. I wish I could play clarinet like your folk players. My stuffy classical training makes it difficult. Also, I like your coffee. Also, I like how I cannot see your country's name without thinking Macadamia.
8:39 - Georgia. RIP Nodar. Standing ovation from the stadium. TEARS.
8:41 - Germany. Your winter sports skillz also frighten me. But you shall not surpass the United States in Gold Medals! USA! USA! I love the bright colors of their outfits, I have to say.
8:41 - There is an alpine skier from Ghana? Who learned to ski in Scotland?! Awesome!
8:42 - Oh Jeebus. Great Britain. Tell your delegation to not smile with their mouths open. The mocking is too easy.
8:45 - I JUST CAUGHT BB EATING HER TURDS OUT OF HER POTTY BOX. Aaaauuugh. It is so disgusting when she does that. I guess I have to go buy more canned pumpkin again.
8:47 - Interesting: In the Parade of Nations, only Ireland separates the delegations from Iran and Israel. Those nations have opted out of the ceremony before instead of marching next to their enemy country. *sigh* Can't we all just get along?
8:48 - Jamaica! No bobsled team in these games. Sad. But there is a skier from Truckee, CA who holds dual-citizenship. Wassup Truckee!
8:50 - Japan. Since my unfortunate first encounter in Seattle, I have since grown to lurve your food. Except for Uni. That sh*t is foul, dude. During my two trips to Japan, Uni is the only food that I have ever had to spit back out. Mergh.
8:54 - Liechtenstein? I'm not gonna lie. There was a small part of my brain that thought that country was just a made up fairy tale land where elves live in trees.
8:56 - Whoa. One of the athletes from Monaco has no neck. Do you see?
8:59 - Norway. Alpine sports super giants. Eek! ...We ain't scurred of you!
8:59 - Okay, we're almost at the "P"s.
9:01 - Wah wah waaaaah. From Peru to Poland. No Philippines. But is anybody really that surprised? Yeah, I didn't think so.
9:03 - Ooh, I'm kind of digging the jackets from the Russian delegation. I'd like one. I'm a sucker for swirly patterns, mmmkay?
9:10 - I totally didn't know that the official name for Taiwan is "Chinese Taipei." Or, I should say, I've forgotten that since the previous Parade of Nations. I'll have to try and store that one in case it comes up on Jeopardy.
9:12 - U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A!
9:12 - Awww, another cutie patootie short track speed skater.
9:13 - Vice President and Mrs. Biden, holla.
9:13 - Hello again, Courtney Love Lindsey Jacobellis. Let's wait until AFTER you've won the Gold before the celebratory shenanigans this go round, shall we? Oh, Shaun White. I'm so glad for you that you're not a girl!
9:15 - Yay Canada! Bobby C: "Canada has never won a home Gold Medal at a home Olympics." Of course, now I am going to want them to. But only in an event that I don't care about. Like synchronized curling or something. That would be fine.
9:18 - Okay, Parade of Nations is done. Let the show begin!
9:20 - Nelly Furtado, meh. Oh, Bryan Adams, how I do enjoy your gravelly vocal stylings. He's looking pretty good for being, like, sixty years old or whatever (just kidding, he's like barely over fifty). When did that Robin Hood movie come out, anyway? Everything I dooooo, I do it foooor youuuuu. My sister totally danced to that song at her wedding.
9:23 - You know what I dislike? When they take pop stars and make them sing songs that are totally out of their usual sound/genre. See: Nelly Furtado and Bryan Adams singing this song.
9:24 - Commercial: Snowball fight in the Olympic Village with a Coke break? I want to go to there.
9:26 - BB is enjoying the show as well.
9:28 - Donald Sutherland is Canadian, too? Is EVERYONE Canadian? Am I Canadian?!
9:30 - Ooh, I like what I'm seeing on the screen. Visually stunning. Let me rewind the DVR and record it:
9:36 - Okay, the visuals on the stadium floor with the whales and salmon is incredible.
9:39 - Sarah McLachlan. Your album Surfacing was THE soundtrack to my life when I was an undergraduate. Also, "When She Loved Me" from Toy Story 2 is really a beautiful song. But now every time I hear your voice I get scared that I'm going to be seeing a super sad commercial about stray animals that makes me want to go spend every last cent that I don't have to adopt about two hundred puppies and kitties with sad eyes. Damn you, Sarah McLachlan.
9:44 - Ooh, cool visual of the moon. We are apparently at the French-Canadian portion of the program. Meeeeeh.
9:45 - Why is Wolverine on my television screen playing a fiddle on a floating blue canoe?
Also, it appears that Commissioner Gordon has summoned Batman to battle Wolverine in dueling fiddles (I would most definitely watch that movie):
9:50 - This attractive white woman on the television playing the fiddle has suddenly made me wonder whatever happened to The Corrs. Remember them?
9:56 - OMG, BB just threw up her own poo. I think I am going to vomit. Well, that pillow is now going in the trash. BB THIS IS WHY WE DO NOT EAT OUR OWN TURDS. Bad puppy!!!
9:58 - The director of this show has quite some talent. The show itself, in comparison to other Olympic ceremonies, is relatively subdued and understated, but the visuals and effects are to die. Me likey.
10:06 - The mountain with the floating skiers with the quote from George Vancouver is awesome. I had to stop myself from videotaping and posting it or else I'd end up posting inferior-quality video of the entire ceremony here.
10:07 - Hey, shot of Shaun "Thank God I'm not an ugly woman" White again!
10:08 - Oh boy, now they're showing iconic footage from past Olympic Winter Games as a hologram on the mountain. So neat!
10:09 - Here come some inline skaters. Ooh, it's like they're doing Circle Drill! Oh my God, who have I become that I actually make a joke like that?
10:12 - Okay. I LOVE that Canada has the balls and lack of self-awareness to feature slam poetry as part of their ceremony. Not that I like slam poetry. But still. Props.
10:16 - IOC President Jacques Rogge makes his entrance. That means it's almost time to light the torch! Squee!
10:17 - Recognition in memory of Nodar Kumaritashvili. Sads.
10:25 - Lots and lots of talking by some older Canadian gentleman. I missed who he was. I do enjoy his subtle Canadian accent though. It would be even better if he would throw in an "aboot" and "eh?" every now and again.
10:27 - CEO of the Vancouver Organizing Committee John Furlong. That's who is talking. Thanks, DVR.
10:30 - Rogge is back. Torch! Torch! Torch!
10:31 - No torch yet. Obligatory thank yous. BOR-ING. I'm hungry. Thank God I threw out that cheesecake earlier today. Otherwise...
10:32 - Michaelle Jean, Governor General of Canda, is declaring the Games OPEN! Torch! Torch! Torch!
10:33 - Ummm...but first a cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"? Ugh. Perhaps one of the most unnecessarily covered songs ever. KD Lang, don't screw this up.
10:33 - So Leonard Cohen is Canadian. Is KD Lang Canadian, too?? Jeebus, is ANYBODY in the entertainment industry actually American?
10:37 - Meh. Not offensive. But still just not as good as the original.
10:38 - Okay. I changed my mind. This version is a little too long, drawn out and self-indulgent for my taste. Also: Torch time already!
10:40 - Yay! The marching in of the Olympic flag!
10:42 - A Canadian opera singer is singing the Canadian hymn.
10:43 - DIVA.
10:47 - Moment of silence for Nodar.
10:52 - Commercial: "If you've had a Coke in the last 82 years, then you've had a hand in making every Olympic dream come true." I HAVE?! Awesome!!!
10:53 - Here comes the Torch!
10:53 - It has apparently traveled over 45,000 kilometers. What does that mean? Kilometers? Crazy Canadians.
10:54 - Steve Nash has the torch now. Steve Nash is Canadian?! My mind is being blown. If the Republicans were to start a rumor that President Obama is actually Canadian, I'd be inclined to believe them at this point.
10:56 - Wayne Gretzky! Here we go...
10:58 - Oh no. Nothing is happening. Is there a technical difficulty?!?! OH NOES!!
10:59 - Wayne Gretzky is looking incredibly uncomfortable.
11:00 - Too bad about the malfunction! The ceremony thus far has been pretty spectacular though.
11:01 - The torch is lit! Hooray!
11:02 - Happy Olympics everyone!
11:04 - Commercial. Hello Apolo.
*****
QUICK UPDATE BEFORE BED:
11:45 - Holy crap. I flipped the channel to The Soup at the end of the Opening Ceremonies (local news sucks) and Ben Linus is on the television screen!
11:51 - BB keeps dry heaving next to me and as a result, I am silently gagging in anticipation of an entire turd coming out of her mouth.
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