A post that has nothing to do with you-know-what.

And by "you-know-what" I, of course, mean poop. You're welcome. It was getting to the point that I was going to have to rename my blog "Shootin' the Poop" or something (Hahaha! Get it?! Shooting the poop!!... God, I'm awesome.)

Anyway, I am sitting in my parents' house watching the Food Network. My initial thought? Sandra Lee is a worthless pile of poo crap sh*t feces. Okay?! I said it!! I know I said I wouldn't, but there really are no other words. First she was "making" these silly little holiday cakes. And by that I mean taking 3 store bought, already made Angel's Food cakes and then piling on some store bought, already made frosting mixed with food coloring and decorating them with a ridiculous assortment of decorations and toppings. First she did a baby blue frosting topped with fake plastic craft-store pearls. Yeah, like that's a good idea. Nothing says "Happy Hanukah" like choking on a f*ing plastic string of pearls that was mixed into your holiday cake. Next she did green icing topped with coconut shavings and red hot candies with little fake ceramic leaves arranged to look like mistletoe. Admittedly, the cake was pretty, but again: Ooh, look at the cute icing mistlet----* starts choking * The best one, however, was the token Kwanzaa cake. Brown-ish icing topped with pumpkin seeds and..."acorns." Except they're not acorns, you dumb twit, they were corn nuts. Angel food cake with white icing mixed with hot cocoa mix, topped with pumpkin seeds and corn nuts?!! And as if this monstrosity wasn't hideous enough, you stabbed it with 6 giant red, green and black pillar candles??!!

I thought I had enough of this woman, and then they aired another episode where she made some kind of Asian noodle soup made with chicken stock, instant ramen noodles, pre-cooked shrimp, frozen peas and frozen carrots. Frozen carrots? For a cooking show? Really, Food Network. Have some self respect. And Sandra Lee: Get a goddamned knife out and slice a f*ing carrot, for crying out loud. You can touch up your manicure after the taping. Jesus, I could have hosted my own cooking show in college, if she's any indication. So could my younger brother, for that matter. It's only a matter of time before her "main course" is a nuked hot dog and some frozen corn. Mmm...semi-homemade! Semi-f*ing travesty.

I'll be back in the holiday spirit tomorrow. Maybe I'll watch some Paula Deen. The two sticks of butter per recipe should soothe my embittered soul quite nicely.