How I Know My Father Has Relaxed A Bit Since We Were Kids.

Last night, BB had a little bit of a number twosies accident in the upstairs hallway. Unfortunately, my parents' house is carpeted in a dark brown shade the exact color of BB's turds so my father came upon this discovery only after he had already run through with the vacuum, which must have released the noxious odors. With the both of us crouching down and being unable to find the remainder of the turds, he instructed me to, "just spray it with Febreeze. It'll dry up eventually."

What What WHAAAT?

*****

It's tiring being doted on by your Lolo and Lola during the holidays:

Great Christmas.

Annual family party in San Jose. Ate too much too fast. Had much merriment. Had so much merriment that I think I had three asthma attacks throughout the course of the night from all the laughing. Started the drive home and immediately began having a simultaneous allergic sneezing, asthmatic coughing and hiccuping fit that lasted the entire two hour drive. Just ask my mom. Speaking of my mother, after I sneezed and hiccuped at the same time (note: OUCH), she noted that I should go ahead and fart "so that all your orifices are involved." (Except she told the joke in Tagalog.) See? This is where I get it from, mkay? Anyway, then got home and had a singular cough so monstrous that it summoned party food that must have already been on its way to my small intestine and brought it back up into my throat, causing me to run to the bathroom and hover with my mouth open over the toilet in anticipation of puking, but only managed to freakily leak an inordinate amount of drool and bile from my mouth non-stop for about five minutes. It was a weird way to end the night. Totally worth it, though. I hope your Christmas was as awesome as mine!

Four siblings and a Mama. Papa was home in Santa Rosa chilling with BB.

Why yes, that is a creepy doll head jumping out of a Jack in the Box. It's not Christmas in our family until this freaky doll makes her appearance.

And yes, I did get a puppy Bjorn (courtesy of my older brother!) as a gag gift, but I am totally going to use it. Don't act like you're surprised.

It's good to be home!

So, with the razor that I left at my sister's house, the razor that I apparently left at my parents' house and the razor that I packed with me, I am now in the possession of three Gillette Mach3 razors (best razor ever). I have absolutely no excuse to be hairy this vacation. Except that I won't be around Schmoobs for more than two weeks. So there's my excuse.

Merry Christmas Eve from Norcal!

Greetings from...way the hell up in the sky!

My first in-flight blog post ever! Go wi-fi. I got seated in three different seats before settling in to where I am now. That was interesting. Now I'm getting motion sick, so bye.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Greetings from DFW Airport!

California here we come! BB has successfully made about a hundred new human friends. Not really, just two older gentlemen and four women who sat at the gate near us - and coincidentally, one of the men and ALL four women had Shih Tzus in their family. No wonder they were all googly eyed at BB :)

Anyway, I have also successfully gotten my seat neighbor to watch BB and my stuff (I know that's like totally sketchy airport protocol, but I was sick of lugging everything around) while I took a leak. Though it sears my brain at the thought of using germ-filled airport restrooms, I remember what happened last time I travelled and tried to hold everything in. My hooter cooter was sizzling for six weeks and I nearly overdosed on cranberry juice. Never again!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Did you know...

...that I haven't washed my hair in four days? FOUR DAYS. For those of you who are aware of my psychotic obsession with showering and always feeling/smelling so fresh and so clean clean, then you know what a milestone this is for me. I don't really know what to say. I still shower with as much frequency and fervor as ever, but I just found myself enjoying the fact that wearing my hair down is made so much more manageable (and likely) when it is already straight and dry rather than damp and altogether very large that it was worth foregoing the daily shampoo and just putting my hair up in a bun (or an ultra-sexy huge pink shower cap) during my shower. Also: Dry shampoo is my new best friend. Also: Cutting all this deep fried goodness (...I miss you) out of my regular diet is making me feel less greasy and less smelling of fried beef all in all. Winners all around! ALSO: My bangs and layers have all sufficiently grown out and I am able to wear my hair down without feeling like hundreds of dreaded strands of hair are attacking my face from multiple angles (do you see the mental issues connected to all this?). AAALSO: Extensive Googling and reading of beauty forums in researching good dry shampoos made me realize that only washing your hair every couple or few days is something that most normal females do? Is that right? Weird. Anyway. Why am I telling you all this? Hell if I know.

I'm totally washing my hair tomorrow though.

Holy crap, my back hurts like a mofo.

*pops 2 Midol and calls it a day*

...except I can't call it a day because I am deep in the middle of grading a ginormous stack of final exams so I can post grades online before I start getting harrassing emails from students during my precious vacation time. "What's my grade?!" "Where are our grades?!" they'll all ask. Sheesh. This was the story of my life this past week:

Student turning in his exam: "So, when will our grades be posted?"
Me: "They're due at the end of next week."
Student: "So..."
Me: " 'Sooo...' "
Student: "Ok."

Another student in the middle of taking his exam: "If I stay after class, will you grade my test so I can see my grade?"
Me: "No."

Yet another student turning in their final: "When do you think you'll have our tests graded?"
Me: "As soon as I have time to grade them."
Student: "...Ok."

Geez, guys. Give a girl a day to relax and get through Season 5 of Dexter, will you?

Related: I totally stayed up til 3am watching Dexter again last night. No bloody nightmares this time, though. So that's good.

Also: yesterday morning, in keeping maintenance of Operation: Anti-Bloat Face (still going strong!) I weighed myself in our bathroom scale and was horrified to see that I was two pounds heavier than when I started this whole operation. Later in the evening, I checked with the scale again to be sure and it said that I had magically lost five pounds in the last eight hours. Stupid inaccurate scale. Whateverrr (that one's for you, Dan). I'll just be content with knowing that I feel markedly more healthy and less "puffy" - as I described it to Schmoobs - all around just after a week of cutting out fast food, soda and delicious fried goodness. Plus, did you know that sliced chicken breast, dipped in egg and covered in bread crumbs, then baked in the oven can be just as satisfying as deep fried chicken nuggets from the drive-thru? Of course you did, everyone knows that.

However: Do you think I could be forgiven if I had just one meal from In-n-Out when I land in California in a few days? C'mon! It's In-n-Out for Pete's sake! NOM NOMS!

Note to self:

NEVER watch Dexter online until 2 in the morning again.

I dreamt last night that I was at a bathroom sink brushing my teeth and then all of a sudden I started coughing up buckets and buckets of blood. Except it didn't hurt. I just remember thinking, "Oh geez, that's not normal. *COUUUGH* ...Oh ok here's some more! *COUBLAAAGH*...Oh man, I should probably get some help!" And then I started getting light headed so I ran out still holding my toothbrush yelling for somebody to help me.

Anyway.

Hey, did you know that I haven't had any fast food or soda in like a week? Yay me. I cooked up some improvisatory curry-coconut-peanut-vegetables thing with a side salad-ish concoction of rice, quinoa and parsley with some baked salmon the other night. I wasn't fond of it in the end but Schmooblybot said he liked it a lot. I guess I will have to learn to like it since it made like eleventy-three servings and I will be eating it at every meal these next few days while Schmoobleburg is out of town.

Oop! That rumbly in my tumbly means my coffee is alerting my booowels. Bye now.

Almost as entertaining as when a student wrote an essay on music being "an ever-rolling ball of phonation."

My Introduction to Music Literature for non-majors class had their final exam this morning. Praise Jeebus, hallelujah. My favorite part (besides the part about me not having to teach that class anymore) was when a student (this student) turned in an extra credit essay in which she stated, "{Beethoven} is a very talented composer and if he were alive today I think his genre of music would be Death Metal, because how he directs, he be shaking his head, and putting action behind what he does." Yup.

Also, directly after the exam I raced back home to pick BB up so that I could get her to PETCO in time for her salon appointment. Conveniently, her vet is right next door to the store and we popped in there for a minute so I could ask them to take a look at her spay stitches and make sure everything was healing up nicely. Although there was just a bit of crusting over where there were just a couple stitches left that hadn't fallen out yet, they gave her a thumbs up and said that she was good to go for her grooming. But then when I went to PETCO, they refused to groom her until all the crusties and stitches were gone and she was totally healed. Sad face. So I went to CVS to pick up a bottle of hydrogen peroxide to help clean out the suture. Bleh.

Anyway, then we returned home whereupon I attempted to at least trim BB's face fur myself. Ten minutes of screaming and strangle-holding and near-poking-of-BB's-shiny-eyes later...yeah, it wasn't happening. I guess I'll just have to be content with just giving her a bath myself and accepting the hot mess of a crazy furball that she is right now.

ps. Schmoobs left this morning for this annual nerdfest. He comes back on Saturday...and then it's off to California for us on Monday! Wheeee!

In case you were wondering...

I have now completed three doctoral program applications and have decided to reward myself with an afternoon glass of Merlot while attempting an improvised asparagus, caramelized onion and goat cheese frittata with a crispy (hopefully) potato crust. Wait, does adding a crust automatically make it a quiche? Is that what makes a quiche a quiche and not a frittata? Also, remember this summer in Brevard when my kweech was poisoned for like six weeks?

Anyway, a few days ago, I had made a batch of asparagus, goat cheese and onion crescent rolls for dinner and had a bunch of blanched asparagus and caramelized onions leftover so I figured I'd use them up now. Hey, in case you're ever in the mood for a super easy and crazy delicious appetizer, do this:

• Slice a bunch of asparagus so that each stalk is in two pieces, about 3 or so inches long. Then blanch them in salted water for not very long at all, just until they turn bright green and are not even really tender yet. I don't know, maybe three minutes? Depends on how thick they are to begin with.
• Now, caramelize up some onions. I used two medium-ish sized ones and ended up with some leftover. You don't know how to caramelize onions? Ech, watch more Food Network. Just kidding. I basically just cook in olive oil or butter over low heat with a couple splashes of balsamic vinegar and a healthy amount of black pepper. At the end, I add salt.
• Then, open up one of those Pillsbury insta-crescent rolls. I usually buy generic because they are cheaper and I am poor. Just as good. However, I don't know if this is a generic-brand thing, but I can NEVER get one of those cans to *pop* open while I am pulling the paper wrapping off like it says it's going to. I end up screaming at the completely-stripped cardboard can and banging it against the counter and pushing in at the perforations with my thumb until it finally explodes in my face. 
• Anyway, roll out the dough in the can and separate the little individual triangle shaped pieces. At the large end of each triangle, place some goat cheese, two or three asparagus pieces and a spoonful of the onions. Then roll each one towards the tip and arrange on a baking sheet. No need to grease the sheet, because these insta-rolls are so buttery already.
• Bake according to the insta-rolls directions. Probably 375-ish degrees for about 10 or 11 minutes. Just until the tops of the rolls turn a golden brown.
• Stuff them all in your face. You can share if you feel like it. The end.

I'd show you pictures, but they are all already in my belly (did I mention that my face is totally bloated?). Well, out in the city sewage center, if you want to be specific.

BB is a lady, okay? ...at least in the literal sense.

Just got back from taking BB for her morning walk n' tinkles where we ran into a nice older lady walking her little snowy white terrier mix. I'm not going to lie, it didn't escape my attention that her pristinely groomed wee little dog stood in stark contrast as she sniffed BB, who stood in all her scruffy, overgrown, piss-stained glory. Nothing brings out the yellow patches in your dog's white fur like natural sunlight. She'll definitely go in for a pre-holiday vacation salon appointment (PETCO grooming) next weekend so she can be so fresh and so clean clean for her BFF (my dad). Also, I would like to mention that Schmoobles and I live in a condo in a very nice, lakeside gated community (why did they let us in here??) where my 1998 Toyota Corolla sits aside shiny new Lexuses and Hummers (blegh) in the parking lot. And so I appreciated that the nice old lady walking her non-piss stained dog with a latte in one hand and wearing a designer bejeweled tracksuit was friendly and not at all judge-y towards the non-showered vagrant walking her filthy animal while wearing sweatpants, flip flops and her boyfriends way oversized drum corps hoodie around the manicured neighborhood.

***

In other news: I FINALLY completed 2 out of 5 (maybe 6?) grad school applications last night. Go me! Only a few more to go... and then we wait.

Also, story time: So I have this student in my non-majors Music Literature class. In a classroom of apathetic, lazy, questionably-functional students, this student - M - stands out for her ability to completely and totally appall me in an increasing fashion with each test that she turns in. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that examples of her work are:

"During what years was the Classical Period? (     Beethoven        --         Flute Clarinet      )"

and

"Please list the three main composers that formed the First Viennese School of music: 

1.       Banjo         
2.      Janissary    
3.         ???          "

You guys. It didn't take me long to figure out that what she was doing was just haphazardly writing in any and all words that she just heard me say in class. It didn't matter in what context or what the question was. Once, she went so far as to answer questions by writing in musical terms that we had never even come close to discussing in class, but that she saw written on the chalkboard leftover from a previous advanced music theory class. BLAAGH! What do you do with that??

Even on a short essay question where I asked them to describe, briefly, the role of the Catholic Church in influencing music during the Medieval Period, she wrote two paragraphs on how much she liked listening to music and how she would continue to appreciate music for her entire life. So I wrote, "M, I appreciate this sentiment, but this does not address the issue of the Catholic Church in Medieval music. Please see me after class."

So she stayed behind and talked to me that day. I began with, "So...M. I know that you listen in class and take notes because you seem to retain all the terms that we talk about. ...It's just that you don't seem to be absorbing the context of these terms..." I told her that I was worried about her test scores and she started saying things about how she has test anxiety and just wants to get the tests over with as soon as possible. Blah blah blah (not buying it). So I asked her, "Is there anything your other professors do to help you with this anxiety? What can I do to help you actually understand the material?" And she said, "Well, nothing. You're always really good about giving us notes and study guides." ...Ok.


Anyway, I emailed the class last week about offering some possible extra credit writing assignments they can do before the end of the semester and in return I got this email from M:

I mean, I teach college, right?? *siiigh*

Randomses.

My Ear Training classes took their final dictation exam today (one less thing for me to do during Finals Week next week - i.e. "pre-vacation" haha!). At two minutes after the official beginning of classtime, I told the class, "Alright, everyone who's here right now - go ahead and write '+2' at the top of your paper." Extra credit points for being on time! On the flip side, two freshman girls waltzed in five minutes later, after I had already finished playing the first four interval examples. Halfway through the class, one of them raised their hand:

Student: "Um, are you going to go back at the end and repeat the first part of the test?"
Me: "Nope."
Student: "But we weren't here for the first part!"
Me: "I know."
Student: "Oh." ...*pouty face*

***

Day two of Operation: Anti-Bloat Face and things are going well. Last night for dinner, I had some Vietnamese Bo Kho (YUM) and a glass of coconut juice. This morning, I forewent* my Star*ucks Grande Soy Caramel Brulee Latte and instead had a mug of office coffee (black) and for lunch I fixed myself a simple turkey sandwich on wheat. And now I'm starting to feel peckish again, so I may have a bowl of split pea soup. Did you hear that, Chik-Fil-A chicken nuggets meal?? I don't need you!!11!! (Waaah! My loins ache for you!)

***

I was tidying up the condo just now and was the cause of an unfortunate run-in with the vacuum cleaner and our Christmas tree skirt. RIP red glass ornament and red star tree topper :(


* Seriously, what is the past tense of 'forego'?

OMG. You guys.orIt's about goddamn time I had another Microsoft Paint post.

Remember when you were sixteen years old and you used to listen to OLD people - like people in their thirties or whatever - talk about how they needed to lose just five or ten pounds but they just couldn't do it? And you'd think, "Well, that's dumb. How hard is it to lose five pounds? That's nothing!" as you blissfully stuff two more slices of pizza in your piehole (not to be confused with your cornhole) and wash it all down with a strawberry milkshake while somehow managing to burn calories in the process?

Yeah. I get it now.

Seriously, I need to start exercising and eating better right now. No, for realsies. I MEAN IT.

I was looking in the mirror today because I am semi-seriously contemplating chopping roughly eleventy-two hundred inches of hair off of my head and was greeted with Super Bloated Ys. See, this is what you are all used to seeing when fortunate enough to be in my lithe and becoming ("and frequently humming" ...anyone? Bueller?*) presence:

Hey good lookin'! Can I buy you a Ketel One dirty martini?

And this is what I saw in the mirror:

Seriously. If she doesn't get some Pringles, she'll cut you.

Anyway. As my first baby step, I am going back to my no fast food and no soda diet at least until New Years. And I encourage you all to give me advice/challenges (Reasonable ones, please. Keeping in mind that I am prone to gluttony and without semblance of will power.) to help me shed about five pounds via the comments section. Just five pounds, that's all I ask. Mainly because all five of those pounds are currently residing in my face.

* It's a nerdo reference to Stephen Sondheim's Into The Woods, doy.

Oh. Sweet. Relief.

I just spent the last hour turning the entirety of this condo upside down searching for my favorite writing sample to send off with my applications. A paper that was written back when floppy disks were more commonplace than flash drives, hence exists currently solely in its hardcopy form. Moments away from throwing myself off the balcony in despair, I finally found it at the very bottom of the very last box that was left to open and rummage through in our spare room full of unpacked boxes from the move. I can loosen my sphincter now. (Ew.)

Aaaaaand we have internet again!

The weekend:



1. Wake up on Friday morning to find that we have no internet service. Modem DSL light is blinking red. No good.



2. Come home on Friday evening. Still no internet. Modem light is still blinking red.



3. Un-plug and re-plug all possible wires and cables in hopes that it will magically restore internet service. It doesn't. Repeat about twenty times.



4. Push reset button in hopes that it will magically restore internet service. It doesn't. Repeat only two times.



5. Check account to make sure we are not for some reason lapsed on payments and got service shut off. We are not.



6. Call AT&T and go through standard procedure of spending ten minutes going through automated prompts, followed by talking to a human being for ten more minutes, who then transfers me to another human being to the correct department, who then asks me three times if I have a dial tone on our landline. Explain multiple times that we do not own a landline telephone and, therefore, cannot check to see if we have a dial tone.



7. Wait patiently on phone as AT&T operator tells me that she will now run a series of tests to try and locate the problem.



8. Curse in frustration as call gets dropped for no reason.



9. Receive no phone call back from operator.



10. Go to sleep in hopes that internet will be magically restored when you wake up.



11. Wake up on Saturday morning. Still no internet service.



12. Call AT&T again. See #6. Repeat.



13. See #7. Repeat.



14. See #8. But do receive a call back from AT&T operator!!



15. Operator is not able to locate the problem. Tells me that they will have to send a repair technician out to our condo. "Sometime in  between the hours of 8am and 8pm." *!@$#($($&**!!!



16. At 8:00pm on the dot, Schmooblebuns gets on the phone with AT&T and curses them out for telling us that a repair technician is coming and making us wait inside all day for a person that never came. Is told that they did not even have a service docket on the record for us. 



17. Get confirmation that a repair technician will be coming out to visit the next day. "Pfft, yeah right" you think to yourself.



18. Go out to drown our frustrations with food, drinks and merriment with some friends. I stay sober. Schmoobles does not.



19. Pull over on side of newly paved road in our neighborhood as Schmoobles wretches all the demons out of his body out the passenger side window.



20. Wake up on Sunday morning. AT&T repairman shows up. Finds that a single wire was loose in the box where somebody nearby had installed U-verse. Internet is fixed.



The end.





Here are some pictures!

 I found this mini Christmas tree that I had bought last year in a box of forgotten holiday decorations that was hiding in one of our closets. I put it on the floor and, next thing I know, BB had grabbed the top of the tree in her mouth and was attempting to drag it inside her crate! OMG. She wanted her own Christmas tree inside her kennel. She's no longer allowed to be near it without supervision, however, since she just tries to eat the tree.

Casual Beebla shot. 

Do you see Bela?

Aaaaaand we have internet again!

The weekend:



1. Wake up on Friday morning to find that we have no internet service. Modem DSL light is blinking red. No good.



2. Come home on Friday evening. Still no internet. Modem light is still blinking red.



3. Un-plug and re-plug all possible wires and cables in hopes that it will magically restore internet service. It doesn't. Repeat about twenty times.



4. Push reset button in hopes that it will magically restore internet service. It doesn't. Repeat only two times.



5. Check account to make sure we are not for some reason lapsed on payments and got service shut off. We are not.



6. Call AT&T and go through standard procedure of spending ten minutes going through automated prompts, followed by talking to a human being for ten more minutes, who then transfers me to another human being to the correct department, who then asks me three times if I have a dial tone on our landline. Explain multiple times that we do not own a landline telephone and, therefore, cannot check to see if we have a dial tone.



7. Wait patiently on phone as AT&T operator tells me that she will now run a series of tests to try and locate the problem.



8. Curse in frustration as call gets dropped for no reason.



9. Receive no phone call back from operator.



10. Go to sleep in hopes that internet will be magically restored when you wake up.



11. Wake up on Saturday morning. Still no internet service.



12. Call AT&T again. See #6. Repeat.



13. See #7. Repeat.



14. See #8. But do receive a call back from AT&T operator!!



15. Operator is not able to locate the problem. Tells me that they will have to send a repair technician out to our condo. "Sometime in  between the hours of 8am and 8pm." *!@$#($($&**!!!



16. At 8:00pm on the dot, Schmooblebuns gets on the phone with AT&T and curses them out for telling us that a repair technician is coming and making us wait inside all day for a person that never came. Is told that they did not even have a service docket on the record for us. 



17. Get confirmation that a repair technician will be coming out to visit the next day. "Pfft, yeah right" you think to yourself.



18. Go out to drown our frustrations with food, drinks and merriment with some friends. I stay sober. Schmoobles does not.



19. Pull over on side of newly paved road in our neighborhood as Schmoobles wretches all the demons out of his body out the passenger side window.



20. Wake up on Sunday morning. AT&T repairman shows up. Finds that a single wire was loose in the box where somebody nearby had installed U-verse. Internet is fixed.



The end.





Here are some pictures!

 I found this mini Christmas tree that I had bought last year in a box of forgotten holiday decorations that was hiding in one of our closets. I put it on the floor and, next thing I know, BB had grabbed the top of the tree in her mouth and was attempting to drag it inside her crate! OMG. She wanted her own Christmas tree inside her kennel. She's no longer allowed to be near it without supervision, however, since she just tries to eat the tree.

Casual Beebla shot. 

Do you see Bela?

Some people just really do not belong in college.

Exhibit A:

Behold the email I received this morning from a student in my Intro to Music Lit for people who make me wonder how they even graduated from high school non-music majors class. A class which happened to have a quiz today, as mentioned in the above email. Also, please observe that this message was sent at 10:49am. Eleven minutes before the beginning of class. Needless to say, I did not respond to this email. I should also note that nobody else in the class had any problems receiving the attachment in this email so my conscience is clear.

Exhibit B:

Speaking of this morning's quiz, one of the questions was "Please list any 3 facts about Beethoven's life or his music that were discussed in the lecture material." One of the students raised his hand and asked me, "In this question about Beethoven facts... can I say, 'He dead.'?" My response: "Are you kidding me? I gave you two full pages of notes about Beethoven and had you watch a two-hour film about his life and music. So...NO."