OMG. You guys.orIt's about goddamn time I had another Microsoft Paint post.

Remember when you were sixteen years old and you used to listen to OLD people - like people in their thirties or whatever - talk about how they needed to lose just five or ten pounds but they just couldn't do it? And you'd think, "Well, that's dumb. How hard is it to lose five pounds? That's nothing!" as you blissfully stuff two more slices of pizza in your piehole (not to be confused with your cornhole) and wash it all down with a strawberry milkshake while somehow managing to burn calories in the process?

Yeah. I get it now.

Seriously, I need to start exercising and eating better right now. No, for realsies. I MEAN IT.

I was looking in the mirror today because I am semi-seriously contemplating chopping roughly eleventy-two hundred inches of hair off of my head and was greeted with Super Bloated Ys. See, this is what you are all used to seeing when fortunate enough to be in my lithe and becoming ("and frequently humming" ...anyone? Bueller?*) presence:

Hey good lookin'! Can I buy you a Ketel One dirty martini?

And this is what I saw in the mirror:

Seriously. If she doesn't get some Pringles, she'll cut you.

Anyway. As my first baby step, I am going back to my no fast food and no soda diet at least until New Years. And I encourage you all to give me advice/challenges (Reasonable ones, please. Keeping in mind that I am prone to gluttony and without semblance of will power.) to help me shed about five pounds via the comments section. Just five pounds, that's all I ask. Mainly because all five of those pounds are currently residing in my face.

* It's a nerdo reference to Stephen Sondheim's Into The Woods, doy.