Update.

Dear Wendy Lee,

Congratulations on conning the owners of the company that I work for into thinking that you are a somewhat talented musician and teacher when, in fact, you are not. Also, congratulations on fooling nobody but yourself and the owners of the company that I work for by thinking that you can throw your (substantial) weight around my workplace when, in fact, we all think you are a talentless hack and a mediocre-at-best string teacher. Congratulations, too, are in order I suppose for the fact that, despite nearly one hour of exercising every possible Google search I could pull out of my ass to check if - by some freak of the universe - you actually do have some musical credentials that may even remotely serve to back up that gigantic horrific ego of yours, the one and only thing I could find was the fact that you are sitting in the middle of the second violin section of Podunk One-Step-Above-Community Orchestra. Woot! Jesus, the first page of Googling my name will bring up four different performances I gave in three different states and a whole other country, for crying out loud. And I'm NOTHING in the music world (...yet)! And finally, congratulations on thinking that you were clever enough to complain about me and the work that I do by writing an email to my boss without my knowledge.

Before I go any further, however, it should only be fair to let you know that you should congratulate me as well, because I received a copy of your retarded email. I should also let you know that I thought about being the bigger person and not reacting to said email in a rash way. In fact, I even printed a copy of your poorly-written email and taped it up directly in front of my office desk so that I could stare at it and laugh at your ill-conceived plan to usurp my authority as a department manager for this company. After a full day of staring at that email, however, and sleeping on it for a night, I should inform you that I decided to also write an email to my boss in response to your pathetic diatribe.

You see, Wendy Lee, I am smarter than you. I am better liked than you. I am more talented than you; in fact, as you can see below, I pointed out earlier that my farts are more talented than you. But most pertinently of all, I am -- wait, let me check here for just one second -- yes, just as I thought: I am also a better writer than you. So, if it will please you, please note the following email that I sent to your dear friend, my boss:


Bossman,

I just have to say that I know you've heard probably more than once from Wendy Lee about some frustrations she is having with the timeliness of her music orders. This is very frustrating to me for more than one reason - the main being that I know she experienced problems with [my predecessor] in the past and is a good friend of your family's; therefore, I always (whether she realizes it or not) go out of my way to make sure that her orders - among a sea of others - get special attention. Add onto this the fact that I very rarely get information from her directly as she insists on using [Bossman's assistant] as a go-between. This can result in miscommunication and misinformation regarding any music she needs. You will also understand that my hands are somewhat tied regarding the current situation* with [largest music publishing company in the world] and [second largest music publishing company in the world]. I am trying my hardest to get every special order in as fast as possible through [music distributor], but am certainly limited to what they have in their stock and must wait for them to order from the publishers if needed. I only wish that Wendy would employ a bit of patience or understanding in this matter; or, if she has any issues with how I run your print department, would talk to me directly.

In any case, I will continue to try and get any special orders in for her - and all our customers - as timely as possible. Unless you want to discuss this further, which I am certainly open to do, this is the last I will say on this matter unless any further situation arises.



And so, my dear Wendy Lee, I will congratulate you on your attempt to gather whatever little wit and cunning you might possess to undermine my work to my direct superior. Unfortunately, you were not aware that, not only can I play that game, but I can play it better than you. So now that we are finished here, you can consider yourself free to saw away in a mediocre manner at your poor violin.



* I've never written here about this "current situation," but all that needs to be known is that it is a situation that arose because of something that Bossman, in fact, neglected to do, which in turn had a negative effect on the state of our business accounts with some publishers.