Happiness is...

...sleeping in on Saturday morning, playing with the President of The Finer Things Club and the Princess of Team Cuddle, fixing a big cup of coffee flavored with Pumpkin Spice creamer and watching What Not To Wear reruns on TLC.

...not having checked the mail in the last 2 days and hoping upon hope that there may be some checks there waiting for you so that you can get started on a little bit of holiday shopping this weekend!

...going online and checking out the new Christmas albums out this year and listening to some audio clips to decide which ones I like.

...sitting down and figuring out what I want to get the members of my family for Christmas this year. 

...looking forward to going home and hanging out with my family and friends!

...having an entire kitchen and refrigerator full of Thanksgiving leftovers.

...have I mentioned the big cup of Pumpkin Spice coffee? Man, that stuff is good.

*****

A post from Ysabel that has no underlying whininess or sarcasm? Clearly, some sort of supernatural event took place last night and my body was overtaken by aliens. 

I hope you are all reading this while recovering from a severe turkey coma.

Fact: If I were a contestant on Top Chef and the challenge was to create an entire Thanksgiving dinner in 4 hours with only 2 pots, 1 pan and 1 big knife then I would totally win. And the menu would include chicken (you can call it a miniature turkey in your head if you like) and vegetables, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes and gravy, lumpia (hell yes) and apple pie. 

Note: the lumpia ended up being what I called "Mexican shaped lumpias" because - goddamnit - I spent 20 minutes roaming the aisles of a very crowded Kroger this morning looking for proper lumpia or wonton wrappers and could not find any. So I had to settle for empanada wrappers which, due to their smaller size and greater thickness, do not wrap in a roll very easily, so I had to make what were essentially empanadas with lumpia filling inside. Still delicious. 

Note again: Speaking of, the grocery store was very crowded this morning thankyouverymuch. So I didn't feel so bad. Until I noticed that nobody except for us was pushing around full shopping carts but only, for the most part, bread rolls and/or booze. Hm.

Also note: Okay okay okay, I totally bought the chicken pre-cooked. They were on sale for $5 and allowed me the advantage of not having to reach inside the cold hollow carcass of a dead bird and dig out its neck and giblets. Barf. I did dress it up with added seasoning and vegetables and reheated it in the oven, so I think I get half a point. 

Final note: You know what I totally recommend? Making an apple pie that has a regular crust on the bottom but brown sugar crisp on top. Holy Moses, so tasty.

Hope you all had a good one.

T-minus 12 hours (the "T" is for Turkey).

Happy Night Before Turkey Day Day! (Did that make sense?) Hm. Anyway, apparently we have decided to celebrate by not having gone to the grocery store to buy ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner yet. What is wrong with us?!

Tomorrow morning's agenda includes going to Star*ucks (but of course) and then heading to the store to count how many other lame people are going Thanksgiving grocery shopping ON THANKSGIVING DAY. Criminy.

It's not so bad this time.orHurray for 2 day work weeks!

Fact: Anything-cream pies made with Jello pudding mix and soymilk are both lame and non-delicious. Harumph. I must accept the fact that anything-cream pies are only delicious when the recipe includes nothing instant and powdered of any kind and involves cream cheese and whipped cream. Also, I must accept the fact that there is now an entire-minus-one-trial-slice improvised peanut butter and banana cream pie in my refrigerator which, tomorrow, will get thrown in the trash. Note: Instant "banana cream" pudding mix tastes less like banana cream and more like banana candy-flavored cream. Blargh.

Also, I just finished hand-writing out about 20 envelopes (About half of my total studio...the rest are paid in scholarship money through the districts. Huzzah! But only if the district actually pays me on time!) in order to mail out my monthly clarinet-teaching invoices to various band parent homes in the area. Please Jeebus let these parents be timely in their sending in payment because my bank account is dangerously low and the only thing more soul-smashing than walking through Target and being unable to purchase anything is walking through Target during the holiday shopping season and being unable to purchase anything. Ouch my heart hurts!

The lemon meringue was not enough.

Is it possible to make a banana cream pie using soy milk? I guess I'll find out later today.

ps. Holy heavens, I love Fridays. 

Two posts in one day...

...because the fact that I just carried 12 bags of groceries up to my top floor apartment in one trip deserves its own post, Goddamnit!

1. Yes, I bought a pie. But two minutes before admitting defeat and heading to the checkout line, I went back and exchanged my coconut cream pie for a lemon meringue. Victory!

2. Okay. Until my cellphone bill due date - which is in two days - I will happily remain in denial that I just spent the last hour accumulating a $60 grocery tab. HOWEVER. That is probably equal to a mere two or three dinners out with Schmooblz, so I think my 12 bags worth of groceries is probably a smart purchase in the long run. Right? Even the jar of Maraschino cherries that I bought? Right?!

3. You know what's even better than an ice cold glass of crack diet Coke? An ice cold glass of diet Coke with some Maraschino cherries in it. So I bought a bottle of diet Coke and some Maraschino cherries. So sue me! Geez.

4. You know what's a surefire way to get dangerously-close-to-middle-aged men to come up and say random quasi-flirtatious things to you? Wear a short skirt and then hang out at the produce section.

5. Yes, it is the middle of November and I wore a short skirt and flip flops out in the evening to go to the grocery store. What is this place??!!

***

ps. OMG Have you seen the new Gmail page themes? I changed mine to the "Planets" theme and, upon seeing it, literally clapped my hands and said "Yay! Yay! Yay!"

You know those days when you fantasize about picking up your 12-year old clarinet student over your head and throwing them across the room?

No? Oh, okay, well just know that those days are usually a result of having to repeat a reminder to "play C sharp" over and over and over and over again ad nauseam until something (my brain) snaps. A rundown of my responses in sequence everytime a student forgets to play the key signature:

1. Oops! Remember! C sharp!

2. Haha! Remember?

3. Yep! C sharp, right?

4. Oh, haha. You forgot the C sharp!

5. Oop! Yep! Sharp!

6. C sharp, remember?

7. Look at the key signature! C sharp!

8. Remember the key signature in D Major? C sharp! Right?

9. Key signature! C sharp!

.....

26. Remember the fingering I showed you? Okay.

27. You forgot again! Oops! C sharp!

28. C sharp.

29. C sharp!

30. C sharp!!

31. C SHAAARP!!!

.....

98. CsharpCsharpCsharpCsharp

99. *silence* (deep breathing)

100. C SHAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHH   *jumps over cliff*

.....Aaaand that was my day today. Only a new episode of Top Chef (hurray!) can make the boo boo go away. 

ps. I am craving a coconut and/or banana cream pie like nobody's business. Unfortunately - as is consistent with the tragic life of an idiot one who chooses to get two music degrees - I must choose between buying non-essential tasty treats at the grocery store or paying my cellphone bill. Blergh.

ETA:

I was just in the shower (Second one of the day, thankyouverymuch. And yes, I will probably have another one before bed as well. Leave me alone.) when two things occurred to me:

1. That I will be paid a teensy little bit tomorrow, so I could technically pay both for a coconut and/or banana cream pie and my cellphone bill and then cross my fingers and toes that my end-of-the-month paycheck(s) arrive in my mailbox before the next round of bills comes and punches me in the face. 

2.  That an anything-cream pie is most likely not allowed in a dairy-free diet. BLERRGH! Off to the grocery store to find out just how strong my willpower really is. (The fact that I am even going to the grocery store already shows how little restraint I have)

The Finer Things Club and Team Cuddle

Breaking news: Whatevs Household Breaks Into Two Opposing Factions!

Remember on The Office when Pam, Toby and Oscar formed the "Finer Things Club", which held meetings to discuss art and culture in a very civilized manner? It has been officially established that Bela and I have formed our own very exclusive and sophisticated Finer Things Club in the apartment.

Our Finer Things clubhouse is the bedroom which, incoincidentally, is the only room in the apartment that little BB is not allowed. There, Bela and I sit and drink tea in peace while looking smugly upon Schmooblebuns and BB, and discuss things like Mozart, smelling pleasant, our ability to urinate in the proper place 100% of the time, twentieth century German literature, our appreciation for all things neat and orderly, grooming tips, and the virtues of taking multiple showers/baths every day.

In response, Schmoobs has initiated BB into his "Team Cuddle" (established at The University of Tennessee with his hetero boyfriend Jim Bob ... don't ask), where they participate in such disdainful things as eating their own poo (so far only one member has been known to partake - but you never know with this bunch), living in complete filth, expelling an unpleasant variety of bodily sounds and odors, running maniacally around the entire apartment (except for the Finer Things clubhouse, of course) until you run face first into a large piece of furniture (again, only one member, but, well, you know) and spend the next 10 minutes sulking on the living room couch which, incidentally, is now the unofficial Team Cuddle clubhouse.

Last night, during a bedtime meeting of the Finer Things Club, Bela and I were sitting in bed enjoying each others' pleasant-smelling and sophisticated company and discussing the day's news events (okay, I was reading the news online while Bela bathed himself) when this dialogue took place between the opposing factions:

Schmoobs (yelling from the Team Cuddle clubhouse): "Hey! I think I should be allowed in the Finer Things Club!"

Ysabel: "Uh, hon, I think BB has a better shot at getting into the Finer Things Club than you do."

Schmoobs: "But I pee and poop where I'm supposed to! ...Yeah, you're right."


* a few minutes later, at the Team Cuddle clubhouse *


Schmoobs: "AAAGH! BB! Get off my face!!"

*FART*

*****

And, as per Jessica's request:

Don't we all feel like this on weekday mornings?

This is how I feel when Knuckles taps me on the shoulder in the middle of the night and tells me not to be scared.

The Princess of Team Cuddle tries to curry favor with the reigning President of The Finer Things Club.

Her cuteness is too overwhelming for anybody but Bela, who refuses to be swayed.

Honestly, BB, the biggest thing that's hindering your admission into the Club is your obvious hatred of baths. The members of The Finer Things Club just cannot turn a blind eye to that.

Rare footage of one of the very few times that Team Cuddle was allowed to infiltrate the Finer Things clubhouse. As hinted at earlier, one of BB's favorite pastimes is behaving like a crazed lunatic and trying any means possible to jump on your head and lick your face into submission. The most effective protection that we have found is to run and cover our heads with a blanket. Here, you can observe just how uncouth Team Cuddle is, as the members turn on each other. Observe at :26, Bela's obvious disdain for the uncivilized shenanigans of Team Cuddle.

This is more like it.

So last night I dreamt that I was in a scene with Liz Lemon in an episode of 30 Rock (If you don't know of who/what I speak, then we cannot be friends. Sorry.), when she got frustrated with all the people in the cast and stomped off in a huff saying, "Fine. I'll just go hang out with the bacon then." Ah, Tina Fey and fried salted cured meat. I guess this is what dreams really are made of?

ps. The Sinus Headache of Doom remains. Driving home from work today, I attempted to blow my nose at a stoplight, which resulted only in triggering a sneezing fit so violent that I think the person stopped next to me probably thought I was having an epileptic seizure. Well, I guess now it's starting to feel more Winter...

I'm all about lists these days.orI'm totally lazy.

1. Hey, you know what happens when you annoy the universe by whining on your blog about the pleasantly sunny and warm weather down South? It will wake you up at 3am with a series of 13 violent sneezes in a row (I counted) and then curse you with a horrible sinus headache at work so that you are left with little else to do but muster all of your strength (caffeine) to physically hold your head upright with both of your hands while you attempt to talk to a high school kid about the Circle of Fifths and key signatures. Oh, and then the temperature will drop like ten degrees from yesterday, with thunderstorms approaching, just in time for you to go to work before the sun rises with no sweater or umbrella. 

2. Note to self: Never complain about warm weather in November ever again. 

3. But here's what I learned: the go-to lesson plan when your brain has turned to mush as a result of popping 2 Sudafed Sinus Headache pills and washing it down with a diet Coke? Sight-reading duets! Less talking by me! Fun for all!

4. Last night, before I was awoken with the aforementioned sneezefest, I dreamt that I had reached a mental state of "endonnite." This, sadly, does not exist in real life. However, in my dream, it was a spiritual and mental state of such an advanced stage that one was able to stop time and exist in that space for any length of time that you desired. Anyway. I remember the term "endonnite" being very vivid in my dream as I repeated the term over and over and over again, I think even as I began to regain consciousness. And I think there was also something in my dream about how the term involved the ideas of "end" and "night." And then I woke up by sneezing 13 times in a row.

5. No, I did not eat any special mushrooms yesterday, thankyouverymuch.

6. Maybe this is a side effect of cheese withdrawal? 

Was it just me, or was this weekend like ten seconds long?

1. The other day I was driving in between teaching gigs when, out of the blue, a screw fell out from Kablooie's ceiling and hit me right on top of my head. My immediate thought was, "Ah...and here we have the beginning of the end." 

2. List of things that Ysabel has not been able to say no to in the past 3 days, despite her dairy allergy: genuine half & half in her coffee, a pat of butter on top of her pancakes, honey mustard dipping sauce for her chicken tenders, Ranch dressing with her french fries. I'm only human, people.

3. At Target today (note: Wheeee!), I took a moment to peruse all the lovely Holiday decorations and cards. However, I was also dressed in flip-flops and a tank top and, hence, emotionally and psychologically* unable to embrace the Christmas spirit. Bah humbug.  So I went and bought a boring old notebook, a bag of fruit snacks and a bottle of Diet Coke Plus instead. 

4. Gas here is now BELOW the $2 mark! Woooooooooot.

5. Seriously, you guys. I need some friends. It's only a matter of time before the Star*ucks drive-thru barista calls security on me.

* I kept trying to spell "psychologically" with a "ph--" and got increasingly frustrated trying to figure out why the word looked so wrong. Methinks it is time to go back to grad school.

It's 1pm on Saturday and I've already taken 2 naps.orI took a Benadryl before bed last night.orClearly, I need a Star*ucks latte.

I love the Holiday Season. Aside from my family, friends and Star*ucks lattes, there quite possibly is nothing I love more. That being said, I cannot seem to get into the holiday spirit here because it is f*ing November and is still in the mid-70s outside. Un-f*-ing-acceptable. My brain is so unwilling to equate warm weather with the holidays, that I went to a Star*ucks drive-thru on Thursday (thank Jeebus for my weekly 3pm 15-minute break during my Day of Clarinet Teaching Hell) to get some coffee and, when I was handed the red holiday cup*, I just stared at it with a confused look on my face. And then when I finally came to my senses, I yelled at the barista, "Ah!! Holiday Cuuuups!! Yaaaay!!!" 

Also: Top 2 Things That I Cannot Stop Thinking About Ever Since I Realized That I Have A Dairy Allergy:

1. Ice Cream

2. Jalapeno Poppers from Arby's (deliciously poisonous cream cheese filling)

* Red Holiday Cups! Squeeeee!

GOBAMA GOBAMA GOBAMA*

I think I may be the last person on this continent to blog about last night's historic election. That's right people. It's almost November 6 and I still haven't blogged about the election! I think that makes me a.....Maverick! Wait, what? We're not doing that anymore? My bad.

Anyway, in eleven minutes I will have lost my chance to officially post on my blog on the day after this great historic election. And I shouldn't wait to blog until tomorrow because Thursdays are my official Eleven Straight Hours of Teaching Clarinet Lessons Dear God Please Use Your Magical Powers to Send Me An Iced Latte From the Heavens Or I Will Take This Reed and Jab It Into My Eye Socket Day and I, therefore, will not have time to post at the end of the day as I will be too busy being resuscitated because I accidentally drowned myself after dunking my head into a giant punchbowl full of vodka. So I have to say this now: Last night's election was so thrilling that I literally injured my groin in excitement! 

I mean, I don't know if that's even possible, but I did stay up until midnight watching CNN (note: and then listened to NPR all day the next day...when did I turn into my father?!), took a shower, went to bed, woke up at 5:30am, pressed the snooze button every 5 minutes until 6:05am, took a shower, and went to work realizing that I had pulled my groin at some point during the last 12 hours. 

Also: Live Streaming Puppies!!!

* (ETA 11/6: I just realized I put this asterisk here yesterday because I had something clever to add. However, I see now that I never did write in any asterisk. And I've forgotten what it was I was going to say. Oh well. I'm sure it was something deliciously witty and clever.)

Whatup.

Is it just me, or has this blog just devolved into a series of weekly quasi-apologies for the lengthy stretches of non-posting? Whatever. Take what you can get.

Quick notes: 

1. I am 80.2% certain that I am not merely lactose intolerant, which I have known about for many many years, but allergic to dairy as a whole. Never have I craved ice cream more in my entire life. 

Note to self that I wish I had known last week: You're breaking out everywhere and suffering from a chronic case of The Broken Hoo-Hah despite chugging 64 ounces of cranberry juice in 5 minutes.* PUT DOWN THAT BUBBLE MILK TEA AND BOXFUL OF ICE CREAM DRUMSTICKS!! Yeesh.

1a. There is one drumstick left in the freezer (I ate the other 7 last week...ugh) and it is taking all of me right now to not finish it off. Despite my pleas to Schmoobleblurgh to JUST EAT IT ALREADY PLEASE, it still sits there, just begging me to eat its poisonously delicious self. 

2. Can the school district please f*ing pay me for teaching clarinet lessons already?! The longer Schmooblebutt has to shoulder my share of finances, the more I feel like a Kept Woman, which is nicht so gut.  Not to mention the fact that my last several visits to Target have involved only... *shudder* ...necessary purchases. Drano Max, dishwasher detergent, toothpaste, etc. Ugh, stab me in the heart already. 

3. Okay, one great thing about living in Texas? This place. Specifically, some heavenly Salvadorian dish called "Churrasco Tipico" or as it is informally known (in my head): "Orgasm on a Plate" (ew). We have eaten here more than a handful of times - most recently, about 3 hours ago...Schmooblebuttocks paid...I am a Kept Woman! Ugh ugh ugh! - and I have never ordered anything else but this dish. It is THAT good. 

4. Is #3 enough to entice any of you to come down here and visit me? Blaaaar I want my friends!!

5. Last night I went to see Jon Manasse perform the Brahms Clarinet Sonata in F Minor and Bartok's Contrasts. If you non-clarinerds don't know who he is, just Google him. He is amazing. His technique is amazing. His sound is beyond amazing...or as I like to call it (in my head): "Orgasm from a Devil Stick" (ew). 

6. I have been asked by the clarinet professor at the university at which Schmoobinz is employed (unofficially: The University of Whyyy in Texas? WhyGodWhyyyyyy?!) to teach their studio class this Friday. Terribly exciting. Except perhaps for one of the undergrad clarinet majors who, upon being told earlier that she would be playing for me in the studio class asked, "Oh no! Ysabel's not mean is she?" And who, upon meeting me at the concert last night, heard this as my response, "Oh, you have nothing to be nervous about! I'm really nice! ...I mean, unless you're really bad or something..." Ahem. I don't think she quite read my sarcastic tone correctly, as she scampered away like a little mouse and didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening. Whoopsie daisies!

* Not recommended. Unless you want to feel instantly nauseous and on the verge of giving birth to a gigantic basketball-sized cranberry.